My Fellow Nascarians,
Today the nation wakes to a tragedy of a magnitude not seen since those horrific events unfolded on the morning of September the 11th, 2000 and one. We see it on the Tee-vee, slapped on the headlines to the newspapers we don't read, they're talkin' about it all over the internets.
The Terrorists have won!
Why we see in South Dakota that the voters there have rejected a law that would have criminalized almost every form of abortion the Godless might inflict on those most precious of all Nascarian lives... the unborn! In Arizona voters have rejected a ban on gay marriage... sending a clear message to the Heathensexual, that it's okay for men to marry men or for men to marry horses... male horses at that! Meanwhile Missourians thumb their noses at the wishes of the Good Lord, by allowing a measure to be passed to back stem cell research! Worst of all... (and you might want to cover the ears of any younguns who might hear this) they say there's going to be a woman speaker of the House now, and not just any woman, no Sir, but a gen-u-wine Calie-forn-I-Ay woman!
Some are calling it an outbreak of sanity, an epidemic of minding one's own business that's dangerously close to sweeping through this great land of ours. But we all know what it really is... just another name for cut and run, tax and spend flip-floppery! We knew it all along... Americans just hate America. I guess these namby-pamby voters were for the Republican party before they were against it. Ha!
Well I imagine the liberalatzi in Hollywood are lighting up bonfires in praise of their God Moloch for this victory over decency. I can picture ol' Osama, sittin' in a cave, picking John Kerry out a gift basket and writting his good buddy a mighty fine thank you note. Why hell, even as we speak I bet all those freedom hating frogs in Frenchtonia are having themselves a grand time right about now, all hooterin' and a hollerin' in whatever passes for streets over there.
And it only gets worse from here my friends.
Soon that there Nancy appease-olsi (or whatever her name is), will try and pass legislation outlawing handguns, the NFL, red meat, patriotism, Christmas, heterosexuality, puppies, Jesus, the Flag (OUR FLAG DAMN IT!), apple pie, the bible, pick up trucks and slavery!
Wait... um scratch that last one. My bad. Heh-hehe-heh...ummm hey what's that over there!?!?! Why it looks like two men kissing in front of an abortion clinic! Get 'em!!!
*phew*That was a close one!
Now then, won't y'all join me in a moment of prayer (before that's illegal too) in this time of national crisis.
O'Jesus of Nascar,
Who gave us this great land to conquer and ruin as we see fit. Help us in this time of darkness, for though we Nascarians aren't your only children, truly we are the only ones who count! Give us strength in these trying days ahead of us. Bless us with continued petty squabbling, incompetency and spinelessness from the Taxocrat Party. Guide our hand as we smite them with mud and remind the special interests who run this country that though money can buy either party with ease, only we Republican't's give them more bang for their buck!
Help us save this great nation of ours... even if that means having to destroy it and everything it once stood for.
To the ages