jack_babalon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jack_babalon) wrote2010-03-29 10:36 pm
jack_babalon) wrote2010-03-29 10:36 pm
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Common historical misconceptions regarding Death - a brief compendium
Until being disproven by Sir Francis Bacon in 1626, it was widely believed that the common house cat was responsible for acts of spontaneous combustion amongst humans. This might be attributed to an atavistic memory amongst the Western Europeans of a distant era when they were enslaved by the Cat Overlords of Atlantis. However, as every school child now knows, acts of spontaneous combustion can be attributed to an individual's doppelgänger having been set on fire. Such was the grim fate of Bacon - who ignited into flames shortly before dying from a frozen chicken related illness.
The long-standing rivalry between wolves and bicyclists are as legendary as they are visceral. This feud purportedly dates to 1865, when Pierre Michaux used the first velocipede to beat a wolf in an annual cross-country race held between the two species in France. This however is simply not true. It wasn't until the development of the penny-farthing and its popular use in the hunting of wolves (which was something of a fad at the time) before the wolves countered with a campaign of brutal lycanthropy. To this day all cyclists in the Tour De France are required to carry a pistol loaded with silver bullets.
"Do not whistle the works of Gilbert & Sullivan, if you dare to walk Highgate at midnight. For if you do Spring Heeled Jack will come and drag you back down to Hell with him". So goes the infamous Victorian refrain (later made popular when it was covered by the Pogues on their album 'Drinkin' with Jack the Ripper'). Of course we now know that it is the whistling of any song about pirates, executioners or modern major-generals that will summon forth a Spring Heeled Jack (and not just in Highgate but any part of London at midnight).
Contrary to many leading biblical scholars (and school textbooks from Texas), pterodactyls were not used by the Lord our God to punish pagan children. In fact the pterodactyls have long been extinct, since shortly after the flood in punishment for their support of same-sex marriages. Besides, though being remarkably similar in appearance, God would deploy one of his Weapons Grade Angels for such a task... or failing that... a rain of flesh-eating monkeys would descend.
Do not fear a glorious Sunday afternoon spent hot air ballooning amongst the heavens, dear blog readers. Know that there are no cloud-dwelling tentacle beasts lurking behind the skies who are attracted to the scent of burning propane and view gondolas as a sort of flying muffin basket. At least not anymore. Not since the USAF waged a secret war against the tentacle beasts in the early 50's. It is thanks to these brave and unknown pilots of Operation Roswell that Americans can fly in relative safety.
Also, of important note, landing your hot air ballon in front of an oncoming train is not 'good luck'...
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I always had an inkling Jehovah had an in with the Flying Monkeys.
As for Spring-Heel Jack, anyone who went whistling "I am the very model of a modern major general" would get pounced upon by me so I have to side with Jack on this one.
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