"Jacques deMolay You are Avenged"

Maybe it's just the Martinist in me, but every Friday the 13th I feel it necessary to toast the 23rd Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques deMolay. The Knights Templar were an monastic order of knights founded in 1118 to defend the Holy Land ( a recent addition to the Christian Empire thanks to the First Crusade (think Desert Storm only it was for Jesus instead of oil and knights instead of tanks). Now let's fast forward a 189 years to 1307. The Order of the Knights Templar is one of the most powerful organizations in both Europe and the Middle East. How? Simple. Banking. The order had stumbled upon that one power mightier than Christ,King & Army put together: Money! Now this naturally made some people very uncomfortable. Nothing worse than a bunch of religious sons of bitches telling the nobility how much money they can and can't have. The only thing that was possibly worse was when said religious sons of bitches had an army behind them backed up by the Pope himself. When the king of France (now known as "Freedomville" by us Americans), Philip the Fair, asked the Templars for a little walking around money and got a royal "No" in response, well let's just say what happens next isn't 'fair' at all. The king tried to get the Pope, Boniface the VIII, to excommunicate them. When the pope refused the king sent one of his councillors to kidnap the pope and have his mind changed the old fashioned way. The pope died three days later from shock. The French huh?
Well two popes later and Philip finally got his wish: An investigation into the activities of the Templars. So on Friday the 13th a massive raid
occured all over France. Templars were snagged out of their beds before dawn. This, for all you Paraskavedekatriaphobes out there, is why Friday the 13th is considered a particularly unlucky day. Accused of heresy, homosexuality and whistling on a tuesday, the knights were ruthlessly tortured. By 1314 the Grandmaster of the lodge, along with two other compatriots equally condemned by the pope, were burned at the stake as relapsed heretics (remember this kids next time you worship a goat headed god).

According to some shadowy sources of mine in the Lodge Geburah and the Order of Laughing Buddha Assassins:( Beware all who click on this link. For here be forbiden and secret knowledge accesible only to those with the divine powers of GOOGLE )

And ol'Jacques was a man of his word. Pope Clement died a month later, Philip the Fair six months after that. In fact when the last living relative of Philip the Fair died during the French Revolution a voice was reported to have yelled from the crowd:Jacques deMolay you are avenged!"

Alright that's enough old schoolin'. Class dismissed.

White on white translucent black capes

Vampire seeks governor's job

Fri Jan 13, 9:16 AM ET
MINNEAPOLIS (Reuters) - Minnesota voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.
"Politics is a cut-throat business," said Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey, who said he plans to announce his bid for governor Friday on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.
Like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who was elected governor as an independent in 1998, the 41-year-old Sharkey once was a wrestler, although he spent his time "The Unholiest of Kings: Tarantula" on obscure professional circuits.
"I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus," Sharkey told Reuters. "I just hate God the Father."
However, he claims to respect all religions and if elected, will post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed" in government buildings.
Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol.
Sharkey told the Minneapolis Star Tribune that he's a vampire "just like you see in the movies and TV."
"I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood," he said, adding that his donor is his wife, Julie.
The field for the governor's race in Minnesota is far from complete. Republican incumbent Tim Pawlenty is widely expected to seek another term in November and his Democratic opponent has not been determined.
Sharkey said he planned to announce his candidacy Friday -- the 13th -- because that was "my lucky number."

From http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060113/od_nm/vampire_dc_1


The Patriot Act: Vampire style!

Interview with a Cowboy Monkey. Part 1.

Hello, and welcome back to Jackbabalon23, your source for the recondite, the esoteric and the completely ignorable. With us in the studio tonight is our special guest. He's been called the last of a dying breed, a true icon of the fading myth of the American West and a possible gubernational candidate for the presidency of the United States. Ladies and gentleman please give a warm JackBabalon welcome to... Whiplash, king of all Monkey Cowboys!

JB:Hello Whiplash, and welcome to Jackbabalon23.
WL:Good to be here, Jack.
JB:Now i'm to understand that you are in fact a Capuchin Monkey?
WL:Yes, that's correct. A Simia capucina Linnaeus to be exact. Not to be confused with the common Cebus olivaceus, more commonly known as the Weeper Capuchin most of which, I would like to point out, have no interest in being Cowboys.
JB: I see....
WL: Now the Cebus xanthosternos, or the Golden-bellied Capuchin on the other hand would make an excellent ranch hand, if not for recent legislation banning Golden-bellied Capuchins from the use of firearms...
JB: Ah yes, your refering to the St.Augustine Golden-bellied Capuchin riot last November...
WL:A horrible day for Capuchins everywhere, Jack. A horrible day.
JB: Indeed. Now Whiplash, the veiwers and I are quite interested in knowing why you pursued a career in the Rodeo Arts as you call them.
WL: I'm asked this often, Jack and each time I say the same thing. It's in the blood. My father, as his father before him, and his father before him worked in the Organ-Grinder circuits. So to some level performing comes very naturally to me.
JB:Yes, but why cowboying...
WL: Well to be honest what little boy doesn't dream of growing up to be a cowboy...
JB:Hahahahaha.... oh Whiplash you lovable scamp! We'll be back after these messages..

Career Day

I'm not sure when it was that I first decided I wanted to be a space hobo when I grew up. Maybe it was my Grandad, who would sit me on his lap and tell me all about the famous Space Hobos of the 30s and 40s. There was 'Saturn' Louie, who once hitchhiked all the way out to Sirius and was the first human being to meet the Dogheaded men of Anubis 9. Then there was Lil' Jake, renowned panhandler of over a dozen solar systems. And who could forget Andromeda Jim, the intergalactic transvestite hobo who was famous for dating Gary Grant briefly. Ah yes good times. My grandad grew up in the golden age of the Space Hobo. An optimistic age, that spoke of the wonders of riding the space railways, a life support bindle over your shoulder and a bottle of Venusian hootch to keep you warm during those cold romps across the stars. Space Hobos were like baseball players to my fathers generation and what reality TV stars are to mine. But nowadays the Space Hobo is no more, a forgotten myth of a different America. One who has gone the way of the Robot Boxer, Cowboy Monkeys or the Vampire Governor. Still when I look up at the night sky, I can see myself up there, drifting from space colony to space colony, playing baseball with tiny meteroites, stealing a blueberry pie off the window still of some X'argian Death Cruiser or just sitting by the holo-campfire on some deserted planet, passing the bottle and laughing with my fellow space hobos.