Confessions of a Fuck-Up Artist!

Okay, while admittedly Tea Bag candidate Christine O'Donnell's being outted as a witch took me aback it wasn't all that surprising, (I mean who hasn't experimented with black magick and/or homosexuality in college), but that's nothing compared to the shocking revelation of Republican senate hopeful Rand Paul being an Aqua Buddhist.

Last night, during a televised debate for the Kentucky Senate race, Democratic rival Jack Conway asked what will probably be the most important question of the campaign season: "...when is it ever a good idea to tie up a woman and ask her to kneel before a false idol, your god, which you call Aqua Buddha?"

This is of course a trick question - because if said woman was correctly tied up she shouldn't have been able to kneel in the first place!

But who is Aqua Buddha?

Well, according to Aleister K. Regardie, head professor of Miskatonic University's comparative religion department, the answer is quite surprising.

"The being we now call 'Aqua Buddha' was born some 70 years ago as a one Siddhartha Curry, the son of a runaway Deep One Hive Princess and a humble Buddhist lighthouse keeper over in Terror Peake, Rhode Island. Sid, as his friends would call him... if he had any friends, upon reaching puberty began to grow a set of gil flaps along his neck and soon discovered he possessed the uncanny ability to telepathically control aquatic based life forms. Naturally he used these abilities to fight underwater themed crime... until several months passed and he realized that there actually was none to be fought (with the exception of a shop lifting squid and the rising amount of gang violence in schools of trout). Disappointed that he would not be able to pursue a career as a submersible vigilante, he began to delve into his father's faith and while meditating upon the wisdom of the Diamond Sutra (while simultaneously riding on the back of a humpback whale), Sid reached a state the mystics call 'Samedhi'.

From there it wasn't long until Sid migrated to California where he opened the First Church of Aqua Buddha in 1957, which to this day boasts some 150,000 aqua faithful. Of course, I would like to make it perfectly clear that there is not to be relation to Aqua Buddha with similar amphious religious figures such as Hydro Allah or the Sub-Jesus."

So there you have it, folks. The amazing origin of Aqua Buddha - now vote accordingly.

This is just God's way of telling the people of Ohio how much he hates peacenik, hippy-liberals... like his son!

6-story Jesus statue in Ohio struck by lightning
(AP) – 10 hours ago

MONROE, Ohio — A six-story-tall statue of Jesus Christ with his arms raised along a highway was struck by lightning in a thunderstorm Monday night and burned to the ground, police said.

The "King of Kings" statue, one of southwest Ohio's most familiar landmarks, had stood since 2004 at the evangelical Solid Rock Church along Interstate 75 in Monroe, just north of Cincinnati.

So you think things can't get much worse here in the Pre-Apocalyptic Bardos of America? Wall Street now a vertible Land of Hungry Ghosts, the wolves of poverty descending down upon the sleeping suburbs and the cult of Free Market Enterprise have begun passing around the Jim Jones Kook-Aid to their followers ("Ohhhh Yeahhhh").

Well guess what?

Jesus-Shark has arrived!

Scientists: Virginia shark's pup a 'virgin birth'

RICHMOND, Va. - Scientists have confirmed the second case of a "virgin birth" in a shark. In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female Atlantic blacktip shark in the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center contained no genetic material from a male.

Sure, the scientists might want to use all fancified words like 'asexual reproduction' and 'parthenogenesis', but just ask any Hockey Mom or Joe Six-Pack down on Main Street and they'll tell you that's all just jibber-jabber for 'Immaculate Conception'. Biblical scholars have long agreed that the Second Coming will not be that of the gentle lamb... but rather as a mindless killing machine (sort of like a Slyvester Stallone character... only with more personality).

Remember though that this is in fact the second such virgin shark birth. The first Virgin Birth Shark was actually an incarnation of the Great God Shiva. It is possible that the Gods are attempting to come back to our world as a race of Super-Sharks. They will war amongst themselves before the victor emerges to conqueor our world and enslave the humans that have survived the God Shark Wars.

Or maybe this is just the Anti-Christ Shark who was to be born shortly after the coming of Jesus Shark?

It's all just a little too much for me right now, I'm sorry...

Let us all know lower our heads and pray to Jesus Shark for guidance.

Tried watching some of the DNC last night. I don't know, the conventions aren't really my thing politics wise (I prefer the debates personally). For me they just come off as vanilla versions of a Nuremberg Rally, offering veiwers a bombastic spectacle of over scripted, wince inducing moments (ranging from mass self-conglatuatory circle jerks to a sort of Orwellian 'One-Minute Hate' done American Idol style). I'm sorry but I just can't watch three, four hours of unabashed Flag-Porn before my eyes start trying to tunnel their way through the back of my skull - 'fer chrissakes Jack, what else is on?' - they screamed as the cameras scrambled around the convention floor desperately trying to fish out a single non-white face in the crowd ("quick pan in on that Eskimo and Rabbi in the back there"). Still what can you do? People have an innate need for mass rituals and the these things are meant to scream 'We Too Are Legion' at the party faithful.

Though honestly, do these conventions really accomplish anything more than the blowing of several million dollars on making people regret voting the way they were going to vote anyway?

Ah well, maybe I'm just getting cynical (senile?) in my old age...

Yep looks like Fox News is up to some old "They Live" shit again...

Arthur C. Clarke
(December 16th, 1917 - March 19th, 2008

The Three Laws:
1.When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
2.The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
3.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
~"Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination", in Profiles of the Future (1962).

"I can never look now at the Milky Way without wondering from which of those banked clouds of stars the emissaries are coming. If you will pardon so commonplace a simile, we have set off the fire alarm and have nothing to do but to wait.
I do not think we will have to wait for long."
"The Sentinel" (1948)

From known 'Cultural Guerrilla' featherynscale via a one omegamorningsta

Undercover restorers fix Paris landmark's clock

'Cultural guerrillas' cleared of lawbreaking over secret workshop in Pantheon
It is one of Paris's most celebrated monuments, a neoclassical masterpiece that has cast its shadow across the city for more than two centuries.
But it is unlikely that the Panthéon, or any other building in France's capital, will have played host to a more bizarre sequence of events than those revealed in a court last week.

Four members of an underground "cultural guerrilla" movement known as the Untergunther, whose purpose is to restore France's cultural heritage, were cleared on Friday of breaking into the 18th-century monument in a plot worthy of Dan Brown or Umberto Eco.


"Remember kid... we're all in this together!"
~Harry Tuttle, Anarcho-Ninja-Maintenace Man
Brazil (1985)

Well as i've mentioned in a previous blog the state of Georgia is currently undergoing a serious drought. Word is that we're going to be tapped out around December. Not to worry though. Our Governor has a plan.

He's going to pray for rain!

No, really...

Georgia's governor prays for rain on Capitol steps

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- As Georgia descends deeper into drought, Gov. Sonny Perdue has ordered water restrictions, launched a legal battle and asked President Bush for help. On Tuesday, the governor called on a higher power. He joined lawmakers and ministers on the steps of the state Capitol to pray for rain.

Yes, that's right Big Chief Perdue (of the Confederate Nascarian Tribes of Um'merica) has called for his finest Jesus-Shamen to come gather on the front steps of the Gold Dome to join him in asking his savage and vengeful God, Jehovah Bodean, to intervene in this time of crisis!

The tribe has attempted to appease this deity in the past with attempts to ban Harry Potter 'grimories' from local libraries, labeling Science text books with cautionary stickers about the dangers of Evolution, outlawing same sex marriage while there was already a law outlawing same sex marriage and of course ensuring that members of the tribe do not elicit the wrath of their deity by being able to purchase alcohol on a Sunday.

God so far has declined to respond to requests for an interview at this time.

Well since I live in the 21st century South and the Seperation of Church and State is considered just another hippy-liberal idea by those radical leftists known as the Founding Fathers... I think its time for every God, Goddess, deity, savior, god, abstract construct and those volcano dwelling aliens the Scientologists believe in to get off their hypothetical asses and do their part!

So I hope you'll all join me in a collective prayer at midnight tonight to the combined powers of the Great God Cthulhu, Bob Dobbs, the Goddess Eris, Valentine Michael Smith, Jonathan Livington Seagull, Mother Earth, Our Father of Perpetual Ass-Whuppin' Chuck Norris, the Force, Galactus the Devourer of Worlds (as well as the entire Kirby Panthenon), Great Caesars Ghost, the Secret Chiefs, Baby Horus and of course... SATAN*!!!

Please, if ever there was a crisis that necessitated a mass of people to band together and start wishing (and I mean wishing really hard) for Fictional or Faith Based beings to come down and help us... then this is it, true believers!

Meanwhile just one last thought. Back in August the state of Georgia held its very own conference on global warming titled "Climate Change: Fact or Fiction?”

Which states Climate scientists and environmental activists like former Vice President Al Gore are alarmists. They use flawed statistical models to predict a catastrophic future of thawed glaciers, super-charged hurricanes, swamped coastlines and scorched crops.

Now i'm not saying that every claim by the proponets of global warming are right. I'm not even going to deny that some of them aren't alarmists. I will say however that if we're going to turn to the bible for answers (which i've noticed have some "alarmist" predictions of their own about a 'catastrophic future') then maybe, just maybe... we should extend science the same courtesy.

You know science, our special little friend that allows us to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and eat microwave burritos and gives us the ability to bomb other countries "back into the Stone Age". Yeah, thats a pretty good track record huh?

But hey when in Rome right? So, i'll pray for rain with the other savages. Just not to their God thank you very much!

*-Feel free to throw in anyone I might've left out... except ZOG, he knows why!

Vatican to publish Templar trial papers

ROME - The Vatican has published secret archive documents about the trial of the Knights Templar, including a long-lost parchment that shows that Pope Clement V initially absolved the medieval Christian order from accusations of heresy, officials said Friday.



Well finally!!! Maybe now the Vatican will call its P-2 assassins off and I can get a decent nights sleep.

So i'm sure a lot of you guys have read about how some Thai Police officers have to wear pink Hello Kitty armbands as a reprimand for their poor public behavior. Well as much as i'd like to see that happen here (cut to a naked Harvey Keitel screaming at Jesus in the Bad Lieutenant with only his Kitty Cutestapo armband on... yeah that'll haunt your dreams tonight).. never the less i'm still going to have to ask this one question.

Why should we let the pigs have all the fun?

Imagine an anti-WTO riot where everyone wore Hello Kitty Bandit Masks like the ones below? I just love the subversive poetry of it, turning a ubiqitious corporate mascot into a mask for the discontent. By 'hacking' into their Sigil Brands one can commit an act of both artistic appropiation as well as catharctic violence directed against our corporate masters.


TFD Random Picture Generator

But why stop there? Picture a mob of disenfranchised fast food employees, each and everyone of them dressed up as Ronald McDonald storming into your local Mickey D's. Screaming "Free Fake Food For the Poor", smashing out the windows, emptying the cash registers out into the streets, tearing out the tables, the seats, the soda machines, hijacking cars that pass through the drive through, some copulating openly out on the slides of the childrens play center, some writing death threats to upper management with ketchup on the walls and finally when the law is called in they'll be forced to commit violence against the beloved burger clown they've been indoctrinated into loving since they were children.

Cop: "I just tear gassed Ronald McDonald... it's just ... it's not right!"

Cop: "That's nothing... I just put a bullet in the Grimaces head!"

Thousands burn down Disney Land while dressed up as Mickey Mouse. Armed thugs with Nike Swooshes painted on their faces kidnap sportshoe CEOs and force them to work in sweatshop conditions at an undisclosed location. Roving packs of Joe Camels vandalize 7-11's and Quicktrips across the nation.

If the marketing departments of the world are turning every form of rebellion into a commodity then the next step is to wage a class war disguised as a commercial!

Just a thought really.