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Okay, while admittedly Tea Bag candidate Christine O'Donnell's being outted as a witch took me aback it wasn't all that surprising, (I mean who hasn't experimented with black magick and/or homosexuality in college), but that's nothing compared to the shocking revelation of Republican senate hopeful Rand Paul being an Aqua Buddhist.

Last night, during a televised debate for the Kentucky Senate race, Democratic rival Jack Conway asked what will probably be the most important question of the campaign season: "...when is it ever a good idea to tie up a woman and ask her to kneel before a false idol, your god, which you call Aqua Buddha?"

This is of course a trick question - because if said woman was correctly tied up she shouldn't have been able to kneel in the first place!

But who is Aqua Buddha?

Well, according to Aleister K. Regardie, head professor of Miskatonic University's comparative religion department, the answer is quite surprising.

"The being we now call 'Aqua Buddha' was born some 70 years ago as a one Siddhartha Curry, the son of a runaway Deep One Hive Princess and a humble Buddhist lighthouse keeper over in Terror Peake, Rhode Island. Sid, as his friends would call him... if he had any friends, upon reaching puberty began to grow a set of gil flaps along his neck and soon discovered he possessed the uncanny ability to telepathically control aquatic based life forms. Naturally he used these abilities to fight underwater themed crime... until several months passed and he realized that there actually was none to be fought (with the exception of a shop lifting squid and the rising amount of gang violence in schools of trout). Disappointed that he would not be able to pursue a career as a submersible vigilante, he began to delve into his father's faith and while meditating upon the wisdom of the Diamond Sutra (while simultaneously riding on the back of a humpback whale), Sid reached a state the mystics call 'Samedhi'.

From there it wasn't long until Sid migrated to California where he opened the First Church of Aqua Buddha in 1957, which to this day boasts some 150,000 aqua faithful. Of course, I would like to make it perfectly clear that there is not to be relation to Aqua Buddha with similar amphious religious figures such as Hydro Allah or the Sub-Jesus."

So there you have it, folks. The amazing origin of Aqua Buddha - now vote accordingly.
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New Rule: If you're going to bitch about Socialism - at least learn how to spell the word! Seriously, I don't care what end of the political pendulum you swing, you're just embarrassing us all with your 'teabonics'.

From Paragon via [profile] warren_ellis

Full set here.
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From [profile] ladymerrydeath -

Joyous court climax for Madonna of Orgasm Church

The Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) took an important step toward official recognition in Sweden last week when a court ruled it had the right to be registered as a faith community.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

I'm really curious what their take on the Eucharist would be.

Meanwhile members of the rival Church of Zardoz issued this statement through long serving spokesman Zed Connery regarding the OMK's new found legal status -

"The Gun is Good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!"
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So you think things can't get much worse here in the Pre-Apocalyptic Bardos of America? Wall Street now a vertible Land of Hungry Ghosts, the wolves of poverty descending down upon the sleeping suburbs and the cult of Free Market Enterprise have begun passing around the Jim Jones Kook-Aid to their followers ("Ohhhh Yeahhhh").

Well guess what?

Jesus-Shark has arrived!

Scientists: Virginia shark's pup a 'virgin birth'

RICHMOND, Va. - Scientists have confirmed the second case of a "virgin birth" in a shark. In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female Atlantic blacktip shark in the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center contained no genetic material from a male.

Sure, the scientists might want to use all fancified words like 'asexual reproduction' and 'parthenogenesis', but just ask any Hockey Mom or Joe Six-Pack down on Main Street and they'll tell you that's all just jibber-jabber for 'Immaculate Conception'. Biblical scholars have long agreed that the Second Coming will not be that of the gentle lamb... but rather as a mindless killing machine (sort of like a Slyvester Stallone character... only with more personality).

Remember though that this is in fact the second such virgin shark birth. The first Virgin Birth Shark was actually an incarnation of the Great God Shiva. It is possible that the Gods are attempting to come back to our world as a race of Super-Sharks. They will war amongst themselves before the victor emerges to conqueor our world and enslave the humans that have survived the God Shark Wars.

Or maybe this is just the Anti-Christ Shark who was to be born shortly after the coming of Jesus Shark?

It's all just a little too much for me right now, I'm sorry...

Let us all know lower our heads and pray to Jesus Shark for guidance.
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Tried watching some of the DNC last night. I don't know, the conventions aren't really my thing politics wise (I prefer the debates personally). For me they just come off as vanilla versions of a Nuremberg Rally, offering veiwers a bombastic spectacle of over scripted, wince inducing moments (ranging from mass self-conglatuatory circle jerks to a sort of Orwellian 'One-Minute Hate' done American Idol style). I'm sorry but I just can't watch three, four hours of unabashed Flag-Porn before my eyes start trying to tunnel their way through the back of my skull - 'fer chrissakes Jack, what else is on?' - they screamed as the cameras scrambled around the convention floor desperately trying to fish out a single non-white face in the crowd ("quick pan in on that Eskimo and Rabbi in the back there"). Still what can you do? People have an innate need for mass rituals and the these things are meant to scream 'We Too Are Legion' at the party faithful.

Though honestly, do these conventions really accomplish anything more than the blowing of several million dollars on making people regret voting the way they were going to vote anyway?

Ah well, maybe I'm just getting cynical (senile?) in my old age...
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Yep looks like Fox News is up to some old "They Live" shit again...

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Thanks to [personal profile] ltmurnau for tickling the mad scientist in me!

Robotic vigilante hits street as homemade 'Bum Bot' patrols in Atlanta

ATLANTA - Cars passing O'Terrill's pub screech to a halt at the sight of a 136 kilogram, waist-high robot marked "SECURITY" rolling through downtown long after dark.

The regulars hardly glance outside. They've seen bar owner Rufus Terrill's invention on patrol before - its bright red lights and even brighter spot light blazing, infrared video camera filming and water cannon at the ready in the spinning turret on top.

"You're trespassing. That's private property," Terrill scolds an older man through the robot's loudspeaker. The man is sitting at the edge of the driveway to a child care centre down the street. "Go on."

I want a Bum Bot! Not to use for harassing the homeless... oh no, I would use it to cruise around the trendy parts of Downtown, using it's water cannon to spray annoying, drunk tweenagers who shriek "Whooooo" at the top of their lungs while having it chant- "Ex-Ter-Min-Ate!" through its loudspeaker system. Of course it would be fun to chase schoolchildren, squirrels and joggers around mercilessly... but mainly I want to use it to harass the amateur drunks of Buckhead. Maybe I could call it "Drunk Bot" instead.

Another option would be to change out the water cannon for teargas, outfit it with some form of taser and then build a small army of them to send to protests where police will be present. If there were enough of us with bum bots then we could roll them down the streets, using the intercom to chant "NO BLOOD FOR OIL" (or whatever) and douse riot police with mace and give them non-lethal jolts of electricity.

I kid, I kid the riot police... but mainly, I just want a Baby Dalek Bum Bot of my own right now!
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Arthur C. Clarke
(December 16th, 1917 - March 19th, 2008

The Three Laws:
1.When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
2.The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
3.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

~"Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination", in Profiles of the Future (1962).

"I can never look now at the Milky Way without wondering from which of those banked clouds of stars the emissaries are coming. If you will pardon so commonplace a simile, we have set off the fire alarm and have nothing to do but to wait.
I do not think we will have to wait for long."
"The Sentinel" (1948)

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Found this at the Disinfo.com page on myspace (check them out here...disinformation) who got it via a great post by Justine Sharrock over at Mother Jones

"Music has been used in American military prisons and on bases to induce sleep deprivation, 'prolong capture shock', disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams. Based on a leaked interrogation log, news reports, and the accounts of soldiers and detainees, here are some of the songs that guards and interrogators chose."

Bring forth the Pain! )
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Quite a week for Parisian Guerrilla's who, when not breaking into cultural landmarks in daring renegade maintenace raids, are out rioting the way we do in the States when... oh I don't know.. say a college basketball team wins the play offs... only with "...conventional weapons and hunting gear" thrown in for some serious Rue Cred ('Rue Cred'?).

"Oui too are legion!"

77 police officers hurt in Paris riots

Rampaging youths rioted for a second night in Paris' suburbs, firing at officers and ramming burning cars into buildings. At least 77 officers were injured, a senior police union official said Tuesday.

The overnight violence was more intense than during three weeks of rioting in 2005, said the official, Patrice Ribeiro. He said that "genuine urban guerillas with conventional weapons and hunting weapons" were among the rioters.

Which brings me to todays list.

A list of Riots in the 21st Century (so far) - including such notable throw downs with the law such as the 2006 San Bernardino punk riot, the Cartoon Riots, the UK Download Festival Riot and the Montreal riot that went down when The Exploited canceled a show! Talk about "Punks Not Dead"!

Anyway...Fire it up! )
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So it would appear that our Gub'nors impromptu rain dance/hoe-down for Jesus on the steps of the Capitol earlier this week did not go unnoticed by higher powers.

For behold! On the third day the Lord finally got around to watching the prayers he had Tivoed from his beloved planet Earth and was indeed impressed by the supplications he had witnessed from the chief of the obscure little tribe called Georgia. Moved by these heart felt pleads the Lord, (though tired from a full day of having juggled a cluster of black holes, sheparding a herd of nebula clouds through a baby galaxy, erecting a new constellation along the edge of forever along with having to appear in a coffee stain in Mexico City for five minutes), decided to take the time to help the blighted region -"After all" - he thought - "surely there were no people more deserving of his aid in the entire realm of his kingdom" (meanwhile somewhere in Darfur... "Ummm a little help down here, please. Anyone? Hello... hello... is this thing on?").

And so he scooped up a big old bank of rain clouds that were hovering over the Atlantic, held them over the state of Georgia and gave them a good squeeze, ringing them out, ye...as a man would ring out a sponge over his dirty dishes... and thus it rained over the city of Atlanta!

Now because that faith over fact thing is ever so important*, the Lord cleverly arranged for this miraculous event to have been predicted by the mortals known as meteorologists, so that this miracle could be doubted and through this hurdle of doubt a true believer would make a Kierkegardian leap of faith where upon the Lord would catch them. This was known as the 'Holy Trust Fall' and was a little something He picked up when he took a community college theatre course in the early 80s (Just because he's God doesn't mean he doesn't have a life outside your faith after all).

So the Gub'nor smiled smuggly upon his kingdom, with a wisdom one part James Frazier and two parts PT Barnum, knowing indeed that Man's innate need to reconcile themselves with a higher power went hand in hand with the fact that not only is a sucker born every minute... but that more importantly they voted every four years!

*-Remember the Babel Fish from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and how their existence proved God and hence wiped him out in a "poof of logic"... yeah, its kinda like that!
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Well as i've mentioned in a previous blog the state of Georgia is currently undergoing a serious drought. Word is that we're going to be tapped out around December. Not to worry though. Our Governor has a plan.

He's going to pray for rain!

No, really...

Georgia's governor prays for rain on Capitol steps

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- As Georgia descends deeper into drought, Gov. Sonny Perdue has ordered water restrictions, launched a legal battle and asked President Bush for help. On Tuesday, the governor called on a higher power. He joined lawmakers and ministers on the steps of the state Capitol to pray for rain.

Yes, that's right Big Chief Perdue (of the Confederate Nascarian Tribes of Um'merica) has called for his finest Jesus-Shamen to come gather on the front steps of the Gold Dome to join him in asking his savage and vengeful God, Jehovah Bodean, to intervene in this time of crisis!

The tribe has attempted to appease this deity in the past with attempts to ban Harry Potter 'grimories' from local libraries, labeling Science text books with cautionary stickers about the dangers of Evolution, outlawing same sex marriage while there was already a law outlawing same sex marriage and of course ensuring that members of the tribe do not elicit the wrath of their deity by being able to purchase alcohol on a Sunday.

God so far has declined to respond to requests for an interview at this time.

Well since I live in the 21st century South and the Seperation of Church and State is considered just another hippy-liberal idea by those radical leftists known as the Founding Fathers... I think its time for every God, Goddess, deity, savior, god, abstract construct and those volcano dwelling aliens the Scientologists believe in to get off their hypothetical asses and do their part!

So I hope you'll all join me in a collective prayer at midnight tonight to the combined powers of the Great God Cthulhu, Bob Dobbs, the Goddess Eris, Valentine Michael Smith, Jonathan Livington Seagull, Mother Earth, Our Father of Perpetual Ass-Whuppin' Chuck Norris, the Force, Galactus the Devourer of Worlds (as well as the entire Kirby Panthenon), Great Caesars Ghost, the Secret Chiefs, Baby Horus and of course... SATAN*!!!

Please, if ever there was a crisis that necessitated a mass of people to band together and start wishing (and I mean wishing really hard) for Fictional or Faith Based beings to come down and help us... then this is it, true believers!

Meanwhile just one last thought. Back in August the state of Georgia held its very own conference on global warming titled "Climate Change: Fact or Fiction?”

Which states Climate scientists and environmental activists like former Vice President Al Gore are alarmists. They use flawed statistical models to predict a catastrophic future of thawed glaciers, super-charged hurricanes, swamped coastlines and scorched crops.

Now i'm not saying that every claim by the proponets of global warming are right. I'm not even going to deny that some of them aren't alarmists. I will say however that if we're going to turn to the bible for answers (which i've noticed have some "alarmist" predictions of their own about a 'catastrophic future') then maybe, just maybe... we should extend science the same courtesy.

You know science, our special little friend that allows us to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and eat microwave burritos and gives us the ability to bomb other countries "back into the Stone Age". Yeah, thats a pretty good track record huh?

But hey when in Rome right? So, i'll pray for rain with the other savages. Just not to their God thank you very much!

*-Feel free to throw in anyone I might've left out... except ZOG, he knows why!
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Here in Atlanta we are suffering from a severe drought. Lake Lanier has been reduced to a knee deep mud wading pool, the crabs crawling on the hookers who work Ponce De Leon have to carry canteens and trying to get a 20 oz bottle of Desani now involves having to call "my guy" so I can get a little "somethin'-somethin'" going on this weekend.

From what i've read the City of Atlanta is down to a 90 day water supply. After that time residents of the city will be encouraged to wear assless chaps, shave their heads into mohawks, don "Adam Ant" make-up and wear wrist mounted crossbows as citizens will have little other choice than to join roaming gangs who pillage small towns for what little water supplies they may have. Of course by the then 'Water' will be known as 'The Juice' and a swig of it will be worth more than your life.

Thankfully this scenario can be avoided so long as our state government has some kind of rudimentary plan in place.

This scene of local residents savagely attacking the Georgia Aquarium in Downtown Atlanta. "Look at dem fish... thinkin' they're better than us 'cause they live underwater... well we'll see who's smart now!" one Aquarium Invader said before launching a molotov cocktail futilely into the Beluga Whale tank.

Recently it was postulated that this whole drought could be avoided if it weren't for a bunch of freeloading mussels.

Meanwhile much research has been undertaken by Atlanta's scientific community (don't laugh we have Georgia Tech, the CDC and over half our residents now know that their household electricity isn't provided by harnessing the power of trapped ghosts) where they speculate that the drought is just part of a cyclical process in the climate that reoccurs every hundred years or so in the region, one that is perhaps exaceberated by overdevelopment of Atlanta in recent years and that there is no need to panic.

These scientists were quickly offered up as human sacrifices by the Governors office to intice rain from the wrathful Jehovah Bodean, dreaded Patriarch God of the Georgians. If these actions fail to elicit mercy from Jehovah Bodean then the Governor has stated on a recent live television appearance to be willing to have state legislators make marriage between partners of the same sex "Extra-triple illegal" and to work deligently on enforcing a ban on 'Baggy Pants'.

Meanwhile the National Fucked Alert has gone from Mauve (Fucked Three Ways To Sunday) to Ochre (All Fucked Up!). Stay tuned!
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Vatican to publish Templar trial papers

ROME - The Vatican has published secret archive documents about the trial of the Knights Templar, including a long-lost parchment that shows that Pope Clement V initially absolved the medieval Christian order from accusations of heresy, officials said Friday.

Well finally!!! Maybe now the Vatican will call its P-2 assassins off and I can get a decent nights sleep.
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America's first Evil Boy Genius to retire

President Bush's chief political strategist and deputy chief of staff, announced Monday that he will leave the White House at the end of August to spend time with his 26 year old son, write memoirs about time spent in the White House and pursue plans in the private sector working as a consultant for his master and liege, The Dark One.

"It's been a long and difficult road at times but one well worth it" a teary eyed Rove said at a conference on the White House lawn today,"... but I believe that it's important for me to spend time with my family before the coming apocalypse, that so many of us have worked so hard to usher in, destroys what's left of the world"

When asked to specify about his role in the coming 'apocalypse' he told reporters that he maintained executive privelge and that "all will be made clear soon with the coming of the Great Adversary!"

Karl Rove was America's first 'evil boy genius' who after being kicked out of the "All-Whiz Kid Society of America" in 1963 for 'crimes against all common decency' vowed that America would be bought to near economic ruin and that her reputation as a bastion for freedom would be shattered one day.

Rove then quickly pursued a career in politics.

Congressional democrats responded to Rove's departure by trepidatiously peeking out from behind their chairs to inquire whether or not 'the bad man had left yet'.

For a more fair and balanced look at America's first evil boy genius check out I Love Karl Rove or simply say "Karl Rove" in front of a mirror three times in a row. He will appear shortly there after in a cloud of brimstone ready to barter for your eternal soul.

Seperated at birth?

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So i'm sure a lot of you guys have read about how some Thai Police officers have to wear pink Hello Kitty armbands as a reprimand for their poor public behavior. Well as much as i'd like to see that happen here (cut to a naked Harvey Keitel screaming at Jesus in the Bad Lieutenant with only his Kitty Cutestapo armband on... yeah that'll haunt your dreams tonight).. never the less i'm still going to have to ask this one question.

Why should we let the pigs have all the fun?

Imagine an anti-WTO riot where everyone wore Hello Kitty Bandit Masks like the ones below? I just love the subversive poetry of it, turning a ubiqitious corporate mascot into a mask for the discontent. By 'hacking' into their Sigil Brands one can commit an act of both artistic appropiation as well as catharctic violence directed against our corporate masters.

TFD Random Picture Generator

But why stop there? Picture a mob of disenfranchised fast food employees, each and everyone of them dressed up as Ronald McDonald storming into your local Mickey D's. Screaming "Free Fake Food For the Poor", smashing out the windows, emptying the cash registers out into the streets, tearing out the tables, the seats, the soda machines, hijacking cars that pass through the drive through, some copulating openly out on the slides of the childrens play center, some writing death threats to upper management with ketchup on the walls and finally when the law is called in they'll be forced to commit violence against the beloved burger clown they've been indoctrinated into loving since they were children.

Cop: "I just tear gassed Ronald McDonald... it's just ... it's not right!"

Cop: "That's nothing... I just put a bullet in the Grimaces head!"

Thousands burn down Disney Land while dressed up as Mickey Mouse. Armed thugs with Nike Swooshes painted on their faces kidnap sportshoe CEOs and force them to work in sweatshop conditions at an undisclosed location. Roving packs of Joe Camels vandalize 7-11's and Quicktrips across the nation.

If the marketing departments of the world are turning every form of rebellion into a commodity then the next step is to wage a class war disguised as a commercial!

Just a thought really.
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I don't know if anyone else heard this story on NPR this morning, if not...

Manila Eyes Eviction of Poor from Cemetery

"In Manila, where housing and hope are in short supply, some people have come up with a novel alternative to their housing woes...

..As much as one-third of the population lives below the poverty line, often squatting in shantytowns, unable to afford anything better. Manila's North Cemetery offers a respite for some, a place to rest, not just for the dead — but for about 10,000 living, breathing souls who call the cemetery home"

The story goes on to describe life in the cemetery. How market stalls have been set up between tombs, how some of the locals use coffins as tables to play cards on, learning to share your home with a corpse and the dangers of drug addict grave robbers breaking into the tombs at night.

Oh and don't forget the dangers of Possession!

"Boyet Zapata, 42, grew up here and helps maintain tombs for several families. He says spirits from the other side sometimes inhabit his coworkers' bodies. Those spirits are of the newly dead, pleading for God's forgiveness, he says."

Can you imagine if this happened here in America? In Atlanta? After some preapocalyptic economic crash or environmental catastrophe that left millions of citizens homeless maybe. Eventually degentrification sets in. The townhomes become faux deco ghetto catacombs. The fortress walls of gated communities fall. Soon there is nowhere else to go but the cemeterys. Grave towns sprout up in almost every city, Cheneyville's their residents come to call them. Oakland Cemetery turns into a Burroughesque nightmare. A flea market refugee camp. A perpetual slum circus where even the law won't go. A truly recyclable community where every cradle is also a grave, every home a tomb.

If we've taught ourselves to live in factories, warehouses and cubes is the Land of the Dead really so far off?
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More Super DinoCreationist Funtime Facts )


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