Confessions of a Fuck-Up Artist!

I think if we were to be honest with ourselves, we’d all agree that half the fun of making New Year’s Resolutions is knowing full well that we intend to break them. It’s as inevitable as the destiny of all little boys to destroy their favorite new toy before Christmas vacation is over, along with those doomed romances of first loves we all had to suffer through before we accepted the bittersweet wisdom they could offer only in retrospect. But, ah my friend’s, we all know there is nothing quite as exquisite as the taste of a broken promise… especially after having indulged in the delirium of a vow’s earnest fast.

The treacherous cookie dissolving between the lips with the rapture of an adulterous kiss. A glorious day spent not at the gym, the gentle lull of the dust on the weight set and the complacent silence of a treadmill during a show you’re only half-watching anyway. Telling yourself just this one last cigarette and that rush of long overdue satisfaction hitting the blood telling you otherwise. The gratitude of those quiet, little sins indulged in by the cuckolded husband and the frustrated housewife.

Eventually, I guess we all can’t wait to be the first person to jab the knife in the back of the person we think we should be. Whether that’s humanities secret weapon or greatest downfall is beyond my ability to say

Here then is a brief list of my New Year’s Resolutions; each grinning with the desperate confidence of the condemned man waiting for a last minute pardon.

1. I will no longer kick people in the groin when they demand to know why there are no flying cars or recreational jet-packs now that it’s the 21st century. Here’s the deal people - when the vast majority of the population can handle driving terrestrially without getting each other killed or plowing through somebody’s dining room at three-in-the-fucking-morning, then, and only then, can we maybe start talking about going all “George Jetson”.

2. Y’know what, looking back at that last paragraph, I now resolve to give a verbal warning to anyone before they force me to break Resolution #1.

3. Same thing goes with anyone asking - “Hey, where’s my Robot Butler?” Shit, we barely managed to survive the Great Helper Monkey Uprising of 2007. Now imagine that bit of fun only with computer brains and machine strength this time around. You might as well demand Seeing Eye Zombies while you’re at it.

4. I resolve to stop wrestling my Conscience while naked and, especially, in public places… but only so long as my Conscience promises to stop cheating!

5. I resolve to not allow myself to be willingly possessed by the ghost of Klaus Kinski. Though it did have the intended effect of making me a big hit at Das Bunker, it did get me arrested on more than one occasion, which is to say nothing of the numerous, still lingering threats, of deportation that remain.

6. No longer will randomly chosen children suffer terrible nightmares every time I use my dark arts to grant me the boon of a Green Light or the discovery of spare change across the passing ground.

7. Okay, fine… I’ll stop referring to anal sex as: “Quick, Robin… to the Bat-Cave!”

8. I will also no longer justify the purchase of commodities produced by the tragedies of outsourced child labor as being “kinda Steampunk.”

9. After finally reading the reports of the 23 mystics that mysteriously burst into flames earlier this Summer, I can safely say that I will certainly endeavor to no longer play Cribbage with the Thoth Tarot again.

10. This is the year I finally build that Robot Butler with the built in Jet Pack!

I have always been fascinated by the strange set of numbered codes used by police officers to communicate and abbreviate an incident, accident or sum up the plot of a Law & Order episode when in radio contact with one another. Over the past few years, manning my homemade police-scanner for any early signs of a 727 ("Living Dead Outbreak"), I have learned to take a certain delight in hearing the terse Gematria invoked by over-worked peace officer through the static, their tinny ghost voices barking back in forth in a language of hyphenated numbers and phonetic alphabets. I have come to enjoy the sordid chain of events behind a good 311 ("Indecent Exposure"), have thrilled to the details of an a 11-60 unfolding ("Attack in high hazard area") or an 11-56 in progress ("Officer being followed by auto with dangerous persons") and of course when occasion permited, laughed at the delightfully espionage-kitsch sounding Code N ("Newsworthy Event").

But in my frequency vigil I have also come across other codes, secret codes, codes that are used to designate extremely dangerous and unusual circumstances often warranting a special response by the civil authorities. This response might include anything from consulting with blind paranormal investigators, to invoking martial law, to contacting the CDC's elite Team Zero to the immediate re-instatement of police officers who have had to recently turn in their badge and their gun (preferably officers who are being penalized for displaying John Woo levels of super-violence). There is even the dreaded Code X ("Shit fucked up beyond any semblance of control") in which case Samuel Jackson is to be notified as soon as humanly possible - if not sooner (this to be done preferably through the use of "The Bad Mother-Fucker Signal" which casts a silhouette of the beloved hollywood icon's face across the clouds at night). Once the popular action star shows up in response to the Code X ,the highest ranking officer at the scene (or failing that then the President of the United States via a live satellite uplink will do) should appraise Mr.Jackson as to "just what the fuck is going on around here with all this bullshit?"

This list ranges from the ludriciously mundane to the epically disastrous. For convenience and easy reading almost all of these codes have been made up:( Index 313 )

As many of you probably know already, there has been a reported escalation in the amount of marriages scheduled to be performed tomorrow. This has been attributed to the widely held belief that July 7th, 2007 is an auspicious date, one that comes only once per century and bestows upon all endeavors that are begun on this day a kind of supernatural grace from the very heavens themselves (which might explain the dramatic drop in the number of Satanic weddings being held tomorrow).

One origin behind this myth purportedly comes from the hightened frequency with which the number 7 comes up in the Bible. Though perhaps true, biblical scholars are quick to point out that the appearance of the period, the comma, the semi-colan along with the word 'Ye' all dwarf the amount of 7's to be found in the good book. None of these, however are considered to be capable of producing randomly generated circumstances of a positive nature relative to the person experiencing said circumstances (or in the more common vernacular - "Good Luck").

But the July 7th, 2007 phenomenon isn't merely confined to the purely matrimonial. Here are a few other lesser known superstitions regarding 07/07/07:

~07/07/07 has been the traditional day when once a century, Jesus Christ sticks his head out of a hole in the ground on Mount Cavalry. If the Messiah see's his shadow then, as the legend goes, the rest of the century will experience warfare, plague and other blights too horrible to contemplate. If he doesn't see his own shadow then there will be an early Rapture and non-christians rejoice at all the ample parking and job opportunities now available!

~As some of my more Kabbalistically inclined readers are well aware of already, in Hebrew, letters are numbers. Each letter has a corresponding number, and meaning. The letter zayin has the number 7. Zayin means sword. This is why many occultists consider 07/07/07 to be an ominous date to challenge a Rabbi to a duel, sword fight or fencing match.
( Read more... )

Sorry folks but it's still 'unlucky' to go on a cross state shooting spree while dressed as a clown, even on 07/07/07... just ask our friend "Homocido" here!

List # 132: Occupations and their corresponding Patron Saint (from the Catholic Church's own website and their Patron Saint List)

1.Adrian of Nicomedia - Arms Dealers
2.Joseph of Cupertino - Astronauts
3.The Madonna of Castaliazzo or Our Lady of Grace and of Crete - Motorcyclists
4.Dismas - Thieves
5.St.Barbara - U.S. Army Field Artillery & Gunners
6.Antony the Abbot, Joseph of Arimathea (tie) - Grave Diggers
7.Ambrose - Bee Keepers & Office Supervisors
8.Sts. Cosmas & Damian - Chemists, Pharmacists & by association Meth Lab Workers
9.Dominic Savio - Juvenile delinquents
10.St. Fiacre - Gardeners & Cab Drivers
11.Hippolytus, Processus and Martinian, Adrian of Nicomedia (tie) - Prison Guards

"fuck this and fuck that fuck it all/ and fuck the fucking brat/ she don't wanna baby that looks like that/ i don't wanna baby that looks like that!! Baaaaah-deeee i'm not an'animaaaal!"

So i'm feeling one part John Hodgman, one part Nick Hornby and one part hung over Scandinavian Trickster God. A bit nervous about tomorrow night and really in need of some assistant nurse sneaking up behind me with a hypo filled with serotonin inducing goodness. Until then... a Day of Lists!


List # 13: : Cover songs that don't or can't exist but i'd really like to hear anyway

1.Dead Can Dance - Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit"
2.Tom Waits - Johnny Cash's "Burning Ring of Fire"
3.Leonard Cohen - Depeche Mode's "Strange Love"
4.Nick Cave - The Eurythmics "Here comes the rain"
5.Patsy Cline - Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart">




*-Though to some heretics it is Rob Gordon Day (especially up in Chi-Town), this is fine and I am not one to quarrel about the details so long as the spirit of the intention translates.