Confessions of a Fuck-Up Artist!

Normally machine-gunning down an opponent in a fit of rage is strictly frowned upon even in the 'anything-goes' format of Lucha Libre. There are however exceptions to any rule and this would be an outline for when it is permissible for a Luchadore to use fully automatic firearms in combat:


1 - Aztec Mummies: Virtually immune to even the most elaborate of flying kicks and strangle holds, the Aztec Mummy is a juggernaut of undead fury. In these cases the Thompson Machine Gun can become a Luchadores best friend. Grenades and flamethrowers however remain the preferred method for disposing of these bandaged ghouls.

2 - Vampire Luchadores: It is a well known fact amongst vampires that drinking the blood of a masked luchadore is the equivalent of mainlining a dose of plutonium grade steroids cut with the copious amounts of crystal meth... giving even the feeblest of revenants the strength of ten gorillas (or two Luchadore Gorillas). This is why there are so many vampire luchadores down in Parts Unknown searching for a quick way to 'Juice Up'. While crosses, holy water, sunlight and cilantro are the most effective means of disposing these creatures of the night... machine gunning them in the face at point blank range however will not only give the Wrestling Vampire Hunter a small edge in the ring but also just generally make him or her feel better.

3 - Giant Floating Brains with Tentacles: These extradiemesional beasts occasionally worm their way into our reality through rifts in the space/time continuum for purposes of tourism and planetary domination. Remember to aim for the frontal lobes and avoid having your firearms barrel get tangled in their weaving hentai tentacles.

4 - The Jaguar Men of Oaxaca: Long believed to be extinct since the 'Great Jaguar Men Purge of '59', there are still a few of these stout giants who bear the heads of Jaguars terrorizing the populace with their love of human flesh and Mexican speed metal. Most are employed by various Drug Lords as body guards. Though these creatures can be bested in hand to hand combat by a skilled luchadore... it is believed that machine gunning them down saves all parties concerned a considerable amount of time.

5 - Avatars of Ah Puch (the Mayan God of Death): When a twelve foot tall skeleton bearing the head of an owl comes lumbering into the ring to throw down you better believe it's okay to bring a gun to a mask fight!

6 - Robots: Often used by Mad Scientists (as well as Mad Scientologists) to rob banks, destroy cities, teach the fools to laugh at them and just genearlly to "...impress the Babe's". The trick here is to use the machine gun as a decoy tactic before attempting to load Windows Vista into their Operating System. Once Vista is loaded even the most fearsome robot will be rendered as helpless.

I believe there are a few other exceptions but those are the Big Six so to speak. I hope this guideline will be of use to any aspiring luchadores or fans of masked men machine gunning down things indiscriminately.

( The image in Context )

"The Road to the Western Lands is by definition the most dangerous road in the world, for it is a journey beyond Death, beyond the basic God standard of Fear and Danger. It is the most heavily guarded road in the world, for it gives access to the gift that supersedes all other gifts: Immortality. The Road to the Western Lands is devious and unpredictable. Today’s easy passage may be tomorrow’s death trap. The most obvious road is almost always a fool’s road, and beware the middle Roads, the roads of moderation, common sense and careful planning. However, there is a time for common sense and careful planning. A dangerous road. Every pitfall, every error, every snare to which Everyman has been liable since the beginning, you are sure to meet on the road to the Western Lands. To reach the Western Lands is to achieve freedom from fear. Do you free yourself from fear by cowering in your physical body for eternity? Your body is a boat to lay aside when you reach the far shore, or sell it if you can find a fool… it’s full of holes… it’s full of holes" ~ The Western Lands, William S Burroughs



"The most arbitrary, precarious, and bureaucratic immortality blueprint was drafted by the ancient Egyptians. First you had to get yourself mummified, and that was very expensive, making immortality a monopoly of the truly rich. Then your continued immortality in the Western Lands was entirely dependent on the continued existence of your mummy. That is why they had their mummies guarded by demons and hid good. Here is plain G.I. Horns.... He's got enough baraka to survive his first physical death. He won't get far. He's got no mummy, he's got no names, he's got nothing. What happens to a bum like that, a nameless, mummyless asshole? Why, demons will swarm all over him at the first checkpoint. He will be dismembered and thrown into a flaming pit, where his soul will be utterly consumed and destroyed forever. While others, with sound mummies and the right names to drop in the right places, sail through to the Western Lands" ~ The Place of Dead Roads, William S Burroughs

"The spirit is really the bouquet of life. It is not something breathed into life, it comes out of life. This is one of the glorious things about the mother-goddess religions, where the world is the body of the Goddess, divine in itself, and divinity isn't something ruling over and above a fallen nature. There was something of this spirit in the medieval cult of the Virgin, out of which all the beautiful thirteenth-century French cathedrals arose.However, our story of the Fall in the Garden sees nature as corrupt; and that myth corrupts the whole world for us. Because nature is thought of as corrupt, every spontaneous act is sinful and must not be yielded to. You get a totally different civilization and a totally different way of living according to whether your myth presents nature as fallen or whether nature is in itself a manifestation of divinity, and the spirit is the revelation of the divinity that is inherent in nature." ~ Joseph Campbell