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Phone service back up
Sep. 17th, 2008 09:12 pmWell I'm back on the grid. Broke down and bought a new phone today.
GhettoPCS, offering a service plan somewhere just above two tin cans conjoined by a string, was unable to transfer any of my information into said new phone. I'm not sure why this is, the technical jargon went over my head, all I know is that the Sales Rep took one look at my old phone, consulted her computer, conferred with her manager and after a lengthy, heated discussion between the two, proceeded to begin wailing on my old phone mercilessly with a rusted carpenter's hammer that she kept under the register. Once shattered open the Number Elemental that lived inside my phone hissed out in a jet stream of phosphorescent steam that lit up the air between us with a series of shimmering day-glow integers... all before dissipatating into a miasma of crackling static.
I was then told that improper feeding of my Number Elemental had resulted in my battery being unable to hold a charge for any reasonable amount of time... also it was apparently why I was receiving phone calls from the Dead at exactly 3:17am every third Sunday ("Hello... no, no this is not No-Man's Land... wrong number bitch!"). Needless to say, none of which was covered by my warranty (which apparently was voided upon me reading the warranty).
From here I was too select a new phone -
"This model allows you to receive e-mails, is completely Blue Tooth compatible, able to take photographs in up to seven different spectrums of light, has a built in MP3 player that will mock your home stereo system openly and when you hold down the Pound button... will fire out a posionous dart from it's recharge port up to twelve yards... extra poison darts are extra though..."
"Do you have anything cheaper, maybe?"
"This model can Transform into a fully functioning battle robot whose AI is programmed to pretend to take interest in any number of subjects you might wish to converse with it with..."
"Ummmm... how about 'no'?"
"Well then... we have the new Slim Fit Skull Chip... this model allows you the convenience that comes with having wetware phone tech surgically grafted to your cranium... there is a four day wait for the surgery though. Please be aware, howevere, that GhettoPCS is not responsible for brain hemmorages, epilipsey, Rage Zombism or having your nervous system hacked into by bored MIT students..."
"So what can I get for under a hundred bucks?"
"A hand-job from our custodial engineer... a one Mister Rodrigo Velvetta... along with the contemptous laughter of our entire sales staff."
"Hmmm... I see... and for just over a hundred..."
"The Broke Ass Ninja 500... it rings, it dials and it will most likely explode in your hand one day sending shards of jagged plastic to embed itself into your face... oh and it comes with a complimentary car charger or carrying case..."
"Broke Ass Ninja it is!"
Anyway to make a long story short... if I used to have your number know that I don't anymore.
So anyone looking to get in touch with me... or just enjoy a filthy round of wince inducing phone sex... will have to reach me at my new number... which just happens to be the same as my old one.
Thanks
GhettoPCS, offering a service plan somewhere just above two tin cans conjoined by a string, was unable to transfer any of my information into said new phone. I'm not sure why this is, the technical jargon went over my head, all I know is that the Sales Rep took one look at my old phone, consulted her computer, conferred with her manager and after a lengthy, heated discussion between the two, proceeded to begin wailing on my old phone mercilessly with a rusted carpenter's hammer that she kept under the register. Once shattered open the Number Elemental that lived inside my phone hissed out in a jet stream of phosphorescent steam that lit up the air between us with a series of shimmering day-glow integers... all before dissipatating into a miasma of crackling static.
I was then told that improper feeding of my Number Elemental had resulted in my battery being unable to hold a charge for any reasonable amount of time... also it was apparently why I was receiving phone calls from the Dead at exactly 3:17am every third Sunday ("Hello... no, no this is not No-Man's Land... wrong number bitch!"). Needless to say, none of which was covered by my warranty (which apparently was voided upon me reading the warranty).
From here I was too select a new phone -
"This model allows you to receive e-mails, is completely Blue Tooth compatible, able to take photographs in up to seven different spectrums of light, has a built in MP3 player that will mock your home stereo system openly and when you hold down the Pound button... will fire out a posionous dart from it's recharge port up to twelve yards... extra poison darts are extra though..."
"Do you have anything cheaper, maybe?"
"This model can Transform into a fully functioning battle robot whose AI is programmed to pretend to take interest in any number of subjects you might wish to converse with it with..."
"Ummmm... how about 'no'?"
"Well then... we have the new Slim Fit Skull Chip... this model allows you the convenience that comes with having wetware phone tech surgically grafted to your cranium... there is a four day wait for the surgery though. Please be aware, howevere, that GhettoPCS is not responsible for brain hemmorages, epilipsey, Rage Zombism or having your nervous system hacked into by bored MIT students..."
"So what can I get for under a hundred bucks?"
"A hand-job from our custodial engineer... a one Mister Rodrigo Velvetta... along with the contemptous laughter of our entire sales staff."
"Hmmm... I see... and for just over a hundred..."
"The Broke Ass Ninja 500... it rings, it dials and it will most likely explode in your hand one day sending shards of jagged plastic to embed itself into your face... oh and it comes with a complimentary car charger or carrying case..."
"Broke Ass Ninja it is!"
Anyway to make a long story short... if I used to have your number know that I don't anymore.
So anyone looking to get in touch with me... or just enjoy a filthy round of wince inducing phone sex... will have to reach me at my new number... which just happens to be the same as my old one.
Thanks
