Writer's Block: When I Was Young

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The ability to read brains as if they were poorly written novels and to kill people just by staring at them long enough (often for the crime of refusing me chocolate when I had asked ever so nicely). There are other things of course... but mainly the telepathy and murder-vision though.

Saruman shows us how it's done!

What could be a better lunch break than having Christopher Lee break down the "Time Warp" for us? Sadly there's no pelvic thrusting to really drive you insane. Courtesy of weishaupt.

Don Draper is spinning in his fictional grave

Eating a Burger King 'Super Seven Incher' Is Just Like Giving a Blow Job

Yesterday our Hamilton Nolan blamed BK's financial woes on their "edgy" ad agency. Now tonight our pal Copyranter sent us their newest advertisement, a reeking of desperation creation he called the "most overtly blow-jobby ad I've ever seen."

The ad agency behind this is Crispin Porter Bogusky and just look what the ad wizards over there have come up with now to stop BK's bleeding! I mean, what better way to sell oblong meat sandwiches than by suggesting fellatio?! How did they ever think of that? Just look at all that piping hot beef laden with creamy mayo aligned perfectly with the open mouth of a wide-eyed blonde, sitting just above the line "It'll Blow Your Mind Away." Who doesn't want to run on down to BK for one of those right now? For benefit of those of you who don't "get it," this is what's known as "branding" in the industry. Or something.

But wait, if that's not enough for you, here's the actual text of the ad:

"Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A1 Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce."

The only thing this ad is missing is the disclaimer that you'll actually get fewer blowjobs if you eat these sandwiches, but perhaps that's the "genius" of advertising that we simpletons on the outside just don't get.

~From gawker.com

That's exactly what I'd do

Boris Karloff's Tales of Mystery

Boris Karloff Tales of Mystery was an obscure little Gold Key Comics series that the actor lent his name to a few years prior to his death. Here Boris would introduce and play host to a couple of short stories filled with yawning gasps and mild terrors. Boris Karloff Tales of Mystery didn't run that long and eventually vanished from publication with little notice. However what few people knew then was that Boris did more, much more, than just lend his name and likeness to an obscure comic book for a few bucks. No, his real plan was nothing short of a roll of the dice at immortality and a game to be played from beyond the grave!

In each title of the 'tales of mystery' there are certain key words embedded throughout the series. When collected and arranged correctly they form a magick spell given to Boris when he beat Aleister Crowley at a game of chess for the soul of Bela Lugosi. If this spell should be read a portal will open inside the mind of the reader and it is then that they will become possessed by the spirit of the great horror actor.

A few days ago, shortly after discovering this arcane bit of hollywood history, I received in the mail a handful of the 'tales of mystery' issues. There was no return address and they were accompanied only by a note reading - "Destroy Immediately!" There is little doubt that these are the very comic books with which the secret spell has been hidden. I present them to you now, dear reader, so you may decide for yourself.



Here the Great God Pan is summoned so that he may help guide the will-wish into manifestation.



The portal opens. The reader feels an alien consciousness overwhelm him. He is transported to a nightmare world where he is ruthlessly pursued by the minions of the Zombie-Puppeteer. During this hunt he will find telephone booths with which he will try to 'call' his body back... but by now it is far too late.



The mind banished of the host that guided it, past lives of the reader rise up to occupy the absent consciousness. None of them quite strong enough to fully take over.



A terrible beast of immense psychic energy begins tunneling through the depths of the subconscious, releasing in its wake all the howling gods and wrathful demons long banished to its dark corridors. Boris is coming!



The memory and language centers of the possessed's brain is beaten into submission by the emerging Boris-Beast (who for some reason often takes the form of the dreaded monster known only as 'Gorilla Jack the Ripper' during this task).



Finally the spell is complete. Nothing remains of the man but the flesh that must bear the soul of it's new master. Boris Karloff has returned!