Diabla Rouge

[jack_babalon]

"One more time now..." she says ignoring the crumbled up wad of C-notes in his fist.

"Look it's easy, I want you... to put on the mask... along with the suit... and proceed to kick my ass until i've either run out of time, money or you knock me out! I know it sounds weird but..."

"You a cop?" she interupts, eyeballing the red devil mask in his other hand through a serious percocet haze and what appears to be at least ten pounds of mascara.

"If I was a cop... you'd be doing this for free right now."

"S'pose... so what is this some kinda S&M shit... I mean if it is, ya probably want Nancy, she's into that sort of thing..."

"No! This is not some 'S&M' shit... do I look like a freak to you? I simply want you to dress up as Diabla Rouge, the dreaded She-Satan of San Francisco..."

"Who?"

"... my ex-wife"

"Oh.." she grimaces then as ways as a perfunctory apology, "so what happened?"

"She got tired of me I guess, me, the life, the costumed fist fights on rainy rooftops..."

"Sounds romantic" she sighs checking the time on her cell phone.

"It was!" he says not picking up on the sarcasm in her voice remembering fondly those passionate nights of torn spandex and intimate bruises...

"Oh, so this ain't any of that Andy Kafka women wrestling thing..."

"Kauffman... and no. I could care less about women wrestlers... my Diabla Rouge was leader of the Betty Noire's, a radical collective of performance-art supervillains..."

"Oh yeahhhh... i've seen them on Court TV. They fought the New York Telos... hey ain't they the ones who kidnapped the Gov'nah that one time and gave him that sex change..."

"Yes, that was her idea in fact ... nothing changes your stance on gay marriage like an involuntary sex change" he smiles in fond rememberance.

"What was her power again..."

"She had the mutant ability to kick ass on a level undreamed of, mine especially..."

"I see. So, you a ... ahhhh"

"A supervillain?"

"Yeah"

"Yep... I was the 'Blitzkreig Bop'"

"Like the Ramones song?"

"Yeahhhh... you'd be surprised how many people don't get that these days."

"Kids"

"Tell me about it"

"So, what'd'ya do..."

"As little as possible" He throws her a twenty dollar wink. She breaks change with a shrug, "ahem... super-speed actually, i'm currently ranked as the 23rd fastest human being alive right now!"

"23rd huh?"

"Hey on a planet with a few billion people on it... 23rd place ain't bad..."

"Okay, okay... so superspeed that mean you holding?"

"Noooo.... my powers were strictly an accident of science... science and the chance bolt of lightning striking me in a meth lab..."

"Uh-huh... so Mr.Superspeed, whaddya wanna do? I know a good hotel..."

"Noooo... fight me here. In the alley, y'know... just like in the movies... don't worry I promise not to use my powers..."

She looks at him, the mask, the money, the mask, him again and finally with a roll of her eyes cast up to the heavens in a quick supplication to whatever diety she thinks might make housecalls to alleyways.

Finally she shrugs. She accepts the mask, the wad of bills and the Whole Foods brown paper bag with the red suit. She steps over to the side of the dumpster while the 'Blitzkreig Bop' cranes his neck at the opening of the alley to the street making sure the coast, as they say, is clear.

Finally she whistles and he turns around.

She stands there in the red vinyl suit with the matching devil mask.

"How'd'I look..."

"Ravishing..."

She steps over to him, the jet black jack boots a little too big for her but managing anyway.

"So um... you wanna start?" she says unable to keep the pin pricks of self consciousness out of her voice. If the other girls saw her right now...

"Yeah, yeah, ummm... 'Diabla Rouge... it is I, The Blitzkreig Bop, faster than lightning, harder than thunder, the human storm... stand back and let me finish our mutual nemesis Doc Fist!"

They both stand there.

"My turn?" she asks.

"Yeah..." he whispers out of stage voice and offers an encouraging nod.

"Okay, um...." she looks around, left, right, straight into his eyes and drives her knee straight into his groin. He doubles over and she grabs him by the hair and knees him in the face, then the groin again, then the face. When he doubles over in pain she sinks a heel to the side of his head.

She stands there looking down at him. He's curled up in a fetal ball in some wino's piss stain, groaning and cupping his nuts.

"Yay, I win..." she smiles and gives him one more kick for luck. She leans down and takes his wallet.

"'23rd fastest man' and ya wander why your wife left ya?" she mutters leaving the alley with a shake of her head. Still, she likes the fit of the suit and the feeling that comes with beating a man until he's unconscious...

... y'know maybe it's time for a new Diabla Rouge?