The United States of Absolutely Doomed!!!
Sep. 16th, 2008 12:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalon"Hey kids, let's see how our old friend Jack Babalon's doing..."
"Well Bob, as you can plainly see I'm currently blogging while standing online at my local bank - Watch Over You. The lines are a bit long today. I've been told that the bank has now opened up what they're calling a 'Gallows Room' in their hitherto unknown sub-basement. Here long valued customers have the option of hanging themselves in quiet and orderly dignity once they find out that their entire life savings have been effectively wiped out of existence. It's simple really. All the customer has to do is proceed to the Tellers Booth, swipe their ATM card across the machine and wait for one of the banks friendly associates to inform you that you are now considered economically on par with a citizen of the Third World. Once the customer accepts this grim new facet of their life in a 21st century Steinbeck novel - usually after an understandably long bout of screaming, weeping and hysterical cursing - they can then proceed to a second line that leads down to the banks previously secret basement (where I'm told pagan blood rituals were once enacted to appease the Savage Gods of the American Economy... 'oh sweet, sweet Mamon spare this poor sinner's humble savings account'...)".
"Uh, Jack you're scaring us out here in Internet Land..."
"*Ahem*... sorry about that. Anyway... from there the customer will find Watch Over You's commitment to customer satisfaction continues long after bankrupting them with their new Hang Man Kiosk. Here's how it works: First off the Kiosk resembles one of those old fashioned voting booths from the outside (only it has sensible blue plastic curtains with the companies logo - The All Seeing of the Illuminati - patterned across it). Now once inside the curtain you simply step up on a milk crate, place your head through the dangling noose (remember now... put the knot behind your ear), swipe your card, enter your PIN number and the crate then sinks under the floor allowing you to end your finacial burdens once and for all... without the inconvenience of having your family traumatized at the sight of you hanging from the chandlier... once you have been properly asphyxiated the noose detachs and you are dropped down what I've been told is a semi-bottomless hole..."
"Well, as I understand it, other banks have now opened up their once arcane subterranean vaults to allow their clients a similar satisfaction... Bank of Armageddon certainly comes to mind with their installing Guillotines at the teller booths..."
"Well, yes of course... of course, Bob... there will always be cheap imitators... but keep in mind only Watch Over You offers complimentary doughnuts while you wait in the Gallows Room... that and they have some of the finest coffee of any banking institution I've ever been to. There is, after all, no finer method in selecting a bank than by the quality of their free coffee... I mean do they just offer you coffee or do they offer sugar and powdered cream as well? How about Sweet n'Low? If they do do they have have little plastic stirrers? How about the cups? Are they paper with a fold out handle or styrofoam? These are all important factors in knowing where to invest your money... Watch Over You basically won me over when I saw they offered little Irish Cream flavor packets..."
"Uhm... oh-kay... so how about you, how you holding up?"
"Me? I'm just dandy... I have another month or two and then after that I figure I'm going to go Hobo. I hear that CSX a'calling me, the poetry of the midnight rail waits, steel dragon rattle across this lonely land... yes I can see it now... they will call me 'Big Daddy Dharma Wino' and I will blog along the fenceposts of rural America in a series of unique glyphs decipherable only to..."
"Hang on there a second, Jack. Think it through. I mean aren't Hobo's a little... I don't know... 2005-ish?"
"Really? Well I suppose it happens to the best of us: Your Retro Stock crashes inevitably if you don't sell it off and move on to new Kitsch. One day you're rich in irony, laughing it up with your obscure ninja references and esoteric knowledge of Dukes of Hazzard episodes. The next thing you know it your sitting on a bunch of old worthless Pirate Bonds... it's sad really. My entire Zombie portfolio isn't worth the paper it could one day possibly be printed on..."
"Wow... that's great... uhm... well anyway that was Jack Babalon... former Gentleman Adventurer and Cube Farm P.O.W. Jack Babalon it should be noted is currently available to play a bitter, drunken unpublished author at parties, gallery openings and weddings. He can be contacted here at this Livejournal account... well, what say we move on to our next entry, shall we? A little post about..."
"Well Bob, as you can plainly see I'm currently blogging while standing online at my local bank - Watch Over You. The lines are a bit long today. I've been told that the bank has now opened up what they're calling a 'Gallows Room' in their hitherto unknown sub-basement. Here long valued customers have the option of hanging themselves in quiet and orderly dignity once they find out that their entire life savings have been effectively wiped out of existence. It's simple really. All the customer has to do is proceed to the Tellers Booth, swipe their ATM card across the machine and wait for one of the banks friendly associates to inform you that you are now considered economically on par with a citizen of the Third World. Once the customer accepts this grim new facet of their life in a 21st century Steinbeck novel - usually after an understandably long bout of screaming, weeping and hysterical cursing - they can then proceed to a second line that leads down to the banks previously secret basement (where I'm told pagan blood rituals were once enacted to appease the Savage Gods of the American Economy... 'oh sweet, sweet Mamon spare this poor sinner's humble savings account'...)".
"Uh, Jack you're scaring us out here in Internet Land..."
"*Ahem*... sorry about that. Anyway... from there the customer will find Watch Over You's commitment to customer satisfaction continues long after bankrupting them with their new Hang Man Kiosk. Here's how it works: First off the Kiosk resembles one of those old fashioned voting booths from the outside (only it has sensible blue plastic curtains with the companies logo - The All Seeing of the Illuminati - patterned across it). Now once inside the curtain you simply step up on a milk crate, place your head through the dangling noose (remember now... put the knot behind your ear), swipe your card, enter your PIN number and the crate then sinks under the floor allowing you to end your finacial burdens once and for all... without the inconvenience of having your family traumatized at the sight of you hanging from the chandlier... once you have been properly asphyxiated the noose detachs and you are dropped down what I've been told is a semi-bottomless hole..."
"Well, as I understand it, other banks have now opened up their once arcane subterranean vaults to allow their clients a similar satisfaction... Bank of Armageddon certainly comes to mind with their installing Guillotines at the teller booths..."
"Well, yes of course... of course, Bob... there will always be cheap imitators... but keep in mind only Watch Over You offers complimentary doughnuts while you wait in the Gallows Room... that and they have some of the finest coffee of any banking institution I've ever been to. There is, after all, no finer method in selecting a bank than by the quality of their free coffee... I mean do they just offer you coffee or do they offer sugar and powdered cream as well? How about Sweet n'Low? If they do do they have have little plastic stirrers? How about the cups? Are they paper with a fold out handle or styrofoam? These are all important factors in knowing where to invest your money... Watch Over You basically won me over when I saw they offered little Irish Cream flavor packets..."
"Uhm... oh-kay... so how about you, how you holding up?"
"Me? I'm just dandy... I have another month or two and then after that I figure I'm going to go Hobo. I hear that CSX a'calling me, the poetry of the midnight rail waits, steel dragon rattle across this lonely land... yes I can see it now... they will call me 'Big Daddy Dharma Wino' and I will blog along the fenceposts of rural America in a series of unique glyphs decipherable only to..."
"Hang on there a second, Jack. Think it through. I mean aren't Hobo's a little... I don't know... 2005-ish?"
"Really? Well I suppose it happens to the best of us: Your Retro Stock crashes inevitably if you don't sell it off and move on to new Kitsch. One day you're rich in irony, laughing it up with your obscure ninja references and esoteric knowledge of Dukes of Hazzard episodes. The next thing you know it your sitting on a bunch of old worthless Pirate Bonds... it's sad really. My entire Zombie portfolio isn't worth the paper it could one day possibly be printed on..."
"Wow... that's great... uhm... well anyway that was Jack Babalon... former Gentleman Adventurer and Cube Farm P.O.W. Jack Babalon it should be noted is currently available to play a bitter, drunken unpublished author at parties, gallery openings and weddings. He can be contacted here at this Livejournal account... well, what say we move on to our next entry, shall we? A little post about..."