Free Market Research

[jack_babalon]

Here's the thing: I need a few new flavors of U.S.A.

I need a Diet America - with the same great taste but just half the calories. I need a Caffeine Free America - one that's not up all night channel surfing through Patriot Act Basic Cable. I need an R Rated flavored America - I'm just tired of us pretending to come in only Cherry and Vanilla. I need new Crystal Clear America - so I have something to piss out during your constant drug tests. I need an America Classic - one made with the old recipe of dreams and last chances. I need an Economy Sized America as well, a little something to hold me over between Super and Down Sized value meals.

I need something that'll lift me out of my Red Bull Market crashes and extreme power tie drinks.

I need a tricked out - not a pimped out - America.

While you're at it I need an America that comes with a mute button on its omnipresent remote control.

Now I won't lie to you... I need it cheap and I need it soon.

I know it's a lot to ask for. I know I should be thankful that they even stock America at all these days. I'm just saying some new flavors might make it a little easier to swallow all the bullshit I keep getting fed with lately.