The Adventures of Captain Jesus H. Christ... Astroteer!

[jack_babalon]

It is the not too distant future of 1996 A.D. and we find Captain Jesus H. Christ of the All American Astroteers vigilantly patrolling the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.

A puff of thought cloud bubbles out of his helmet: "Hmmm... my galaxo-scanners are registering no homosexuals or atheists hiding out in this quadrant. Looks to me like the coast is clear. But I better do another sweep just to be sure."

Suddenly the large antenna on Captain Jesus' helmet begins tingling with a series of tiny yellow lightning bolts.

"Good Me! I'm receiving a distress signal on the Interplanetary Emergency Prayerogram. And it's coming from Lunar Base Eisenhower. Looks like there's no time to waste. Activate Jesus Rockets! Astroteers are Go!"

Traveling at the speed of faith, Captain Jesus quickly arrives to discover the American moon colonies under siege by a vast interstellar armada.

"Jumping Leviticus! Lunar Base Eisenhower is being attacked by... gasp.. the malevolent Marxtian Death Fleet."

An armada of silver and red flying saucers hovers menacingly over the domed metropolis and bombard it with a barrage of ice-cream colored ray beams. Cracks begin show in the dome and the terrified Moonericans tremble helplessly beneath. The Marxtian Death fleet gleefully broadcasts the cackling of their commanders across all frequencies. Is this the end of Lunar Base Eisenhower?

Not while Captain Jesus H. Christ of the Astroteers is on the job!

Soaring in with the grace of a majestic eagle, Captain Jesus descends upon the Marxtian Armada and furiously begins blasting away with his trusted Smite Gun. One by one the saucers explode in a pyrotechnic orgasm. The Moonericans give off a mighty cheer of hallelujahs while Captain Jesus laughs maniacally, zipping around the armada's ray beams with ease.

"Take that and that and that you no-good Vodka swilling Pink-O Beatniks!"

Suddenly a saucer much larger than the rest appears behind Captain Jesus, who is much too busy getting his smite on to notice the impending ambush. From its sides two mechanical arms extend wielding a giant hammer and sickle. With a mighty swipe of its robot hand the hammer smashes into the back of Jesus and sends him hurtling out into space.

Is this the end of Captain Jesus H. Christ... astroteer?

Come back next month for issue #27 of "Mystery in Faith!"