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jack_babalonIt's almost that time of year again... Satan's Birthday (or 'Halloween' to you squares)! So what better way to celebrate the Big Guy Downstair's special day than with a little treat from the Stan Lee of Christianity himself, Jack Chick? In today's special Chick Track we learn that Lucifer Morningstar isn't just content to snare the occasional innocent soul with fiddling contests or luring unsuspecting teens with the fast-paced glamorous world of role-playing games. No, sometimes the Satanic One has to try a more direct approach - such as wearing a pumpkin on his head and going on a Jason Voorhees inspired killing spree with a chainsaw. Hey, don't laugh - it just goes to show you that m'man Lucifer's willing to keep up with the times. I think he also has a twitter account and a Facebook page as well ("Sell my eternal soul into damnation for a chance to do drugs and listen to Led Zeppelin? There's an App for that!")
Anyway, the ensuing satanic bloodbath begins as most satanic bloodbaths do, with a party at scenic Camp Basil Bub:
I guess 'Camp Lou's Fur' and 'Lake Horrible-Horrible Death' were booked that year.
You know what they say? - Location, location, location!
Sacrificing a cat on Satan's Birthday is soooo last year. Everyone knows that the Devil is partial to ferrets and gerbils. Also, when shopping for that special demon why not drop by Lowes for a cheap chainsaw?
Alright... now it's a party!
I haven't seen rednecks freak out this much since a black guy got elected to the White House in 2008.
I dig how Satan's all like - "Next time you bitches best bring Kryptonite!"
After several dozen law enforcement officials and high school students were brutally massacared... we find out that Lucifer was a good lookin' dude who got kicked out of heaven when God tired of him laying around all day playing X Box. God was like - "Get a job, Slacker!"
The second most solemn day for satanists? Arbor Day. Go figure.
Alright everyone, Jesus will be here soon for the Second Coming... try to look busy and would it kill you to sacrifice a few virgins for the competition. You know, it gives him someone to smite. He likes smiting.
Dude... check out this totally sweet Jack O Lantern. I got it for free when I let those druids haul of my sister for their human sacrifice party. I also got a bitchin' robe and ankh necklace!
This is Satan's 'Laughing Place'... where he likes to wear a pumpkin on his head and watch old Sanford & Son reruns.
Okay, that's enough gore and proselytizing. Now get out there and do a little Birthday shopping for you know who. I hear he's partial to power tools.
To see this tract in its original glory: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0058/0058_01.asp
Anyway, the ensuing satanic bloodbath begins as most satanic bloodbaths do, with a party at scenic Camp Basil Bub:
I guess 'Camp Lou's Fur' and 'Lake Horrible-Horrible Death' were booked that year.
You know what they say? - Location, location, location!
Sacrificing a cat on Satan's Birthday is soooo last year. Everyone knows that the Devil is partial to ferrets and gerbils. Also, when shopping for that special demon why not drop by Lowes for a cheap chainsaw?
Alright... now it's a party!
I haven't seen rednecks freak out this much since a black guy got elected to the White House in 2008.
I dig how Satan's all like - "Next time you bitches best bring Kryptonite!"
After several dozen law enforcement officials and high school students were brutally massacared... we find out that Lucifer was a good lookin' dude who got kicked out of heaven when God tired of him laying around all day playing X Box. God was like - "Get a job, Slacker!"
The second most solemn day for satanists? Arbor Day. Go figure.
Alright everyone, Jesus will be here soon for the Second Coming... try to look busy and would it kill you to sacrifice a few virgins for the competition. You know, it gives him someone to smite. He likes smiting.
Dude... check out this totally sweet Jack O Lantern. I got it for free when I let those druids haul of my sister for their human sacrifice party. I also got a bitchin' robe and ankh necklace!
This is Satan's 'Laughing Place'... where he likes to wear a pumpkin on his head and watch old Sanford & Son reruns.
Okay, that's enough gore and proselytizing. Now get out there and do a little Birthday shopping for you know who. I hear he's partial to power tools.
To see this tract in its original glory: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0058/0058_01.asp