That ain't opportunity knocking...

[jack_babalon]

There were'nt many jobs for a former Navy Auxilary Engineer when I got out, oddly there just was'nt much call in the market force for guys who repaired Air Conditioners the size of a small truck or Compression engines that ran on spit, luck & seawater. Not that I tried too hard to find one really. I did my Hemingway gig and was ready to move on to a job that didn't require me being out on the ocean for half a year. So when I arrived in Atlanta there was'nt much for work I was qualified to perform save outside the service industry. I tried my hand at working for Georgia Citizens Action which was basically a poor mans Sierra Club. I hadn't been in Georgia a full month yet, but I wanted to do something 'Positive' to offset some of my military service. Whatever karma I owe for being a part of the US Military Death Machine, I made up for in spades, working the hostile waters of suburbia.My job was to go door to door, read a little spiel about the enviornmental dangers lurking in the backyards & playgrounds of suburban Georgia,USA. If I managed to finish my spiel, I was to get a signature of protest to be mailed to some political action group who would mail it to some local government offical who would take it all the way to the governor, or a senator or even the President and in turn the list would be tossed in the wastebasket without even a moments glance. But the signatures were'nt important. What was important was getting a check or cash "pledge" to use in the war on pollution. Whatever I raised in this noble cause I got 50% of. Sadly 50% of nothing is nothing no matter how you look at the math. You see my job was a constant series of Knock-Knock jokes with me as the human punchline.
Knock-Knock
"Good evening, sir. My name..."
"WH'th'Hell ya Want?"
"Sir are you aware that there are over one hundred & twenty two toxic wastesites in this neigh..."
"GOOD!"
SLAM
Knock-knock
"Good evening sir. My name is Robert Mosca..."
"What kind of name is that?"
"I'm sorry"
"Ya sound like a goddam homo!"
SLAM
Knock-knock
"Good evening ma'am. My name is Robert Mosca and I work with Georgia Citizens Action, i'm sorry to disturb you but are you aware...."
"Ohhhhh honey i'm so sorry. I just wrote the Sierra Club a check last night"
This was a common occurence, the Sierra Club always beat us to the punch and soaked up what liberal guilt spare change there was to be made in suburban Ga. I remember one night when both groups hit the same neighborhood on the same night.
The Sierra Club had young earnest college kids working for them, they looked like extras from the latest WB teenangstathon. White teeth, clear complexions, warm colors and smiles that thawed the frost off the attitudes of the hicks & rubes we were trying to 'Envirohustle' a check out of. I had been at the Knock-knockery for too long, and had gotten an old man, who was the last American alive to still have the Teddy Roosevelt glasses & mustache. He held his robe closed with a clenched fist and nodded at me whenever I stopped talking, basicaly doing that thing people who can't speak english do when they don't know how to say "Shut Up" yet.
"So with your help sir, we can make a better tomorrow"
"Nope. Wanna know why?"
Not really but I had a list of rebuttals I was supposed to use so...
"Please sir tell us your concerns..."
"You don't even see it do you? Your working for the Jewish Cabal. A group of bankers are using you and your kind..."
"Kind?" I asked
"Liberals..."
"Ohhhkay. I'm sorry to bother you sir, i'll be on my way."
"Now you wait a minute right there boy! I listened to you and did'nt interupt, now you'll afford me the same courtesy."
I looked over next door and there was perky miss Sierra Club thanking an old lady for her contribution and ... holy shit accepting a cookie from her! She gets a cookie and I get a lesson on the global economic policy of the elite cabal of Jewish Bankers....what the fuck is that?
"... so that's how them Jews got Bill Clinton in office..."
"Enough" I barked out of the blue. I was pissed. Not at this racist piece of shit but at the idea that I was only a house away from a check and a cookie and instead I was getting fed this crap. I stormed off down the drive way, clutching my clipboard of signatures( I had collected just under ten in five hours and no 'contributions' save a 'Buck-for-Luck' a cleaning lady gave me), I was debating just quiting right there and then when suddenly I felt a sharp pain strike me dead in the ass. I turn around and see Granpa Roosevelt running down the driveway back for his door. The old fuck literally kicked me in the ass! I stood there dumb founded for a good five minutes.
"What the Hell?" I finally managed to yell my question to him
"I'm calling the police...." he answered from behind the shelter of a screen door.
He was'nt kidding. I had managed two no one homes, a 'Get-fuck-outta-here' and a 'sorry I just gave to the Sierra Club' when I found myself spread eagle across the hood of a Cobb County Squad car.
"Heard you were threatening an old man"
"We have reports of you soliciting..."
"begging really"
"Disturbing people during dinner"
I just laid there, the warmth of the engine under the hood was the first real heat I had had since we arrived. They pated me down. Ran my name. Looked over my clipboard and dropped it on the ground with the announcement:
"Wotta load of shit"
Meanwhile I could see the Sierra club girl come walking down the street. She smiled and waved at the cops, and they waved back. The cops got bored of me, their point made they sped off. I made my way back to the meet up point. No one seemed to have had a good night except for this one kid who just lied and told everyone he was with the Sierra Club. When I got back to our headquaters in downtown Decatur we were given a lecture, a two & a half hour lecture on "What we Could do to improve our image". I was told they were'nt angry that I did'nt make any money, just disappointed. I told them that was okay. Because I was angry I had worked an 8 hour day walking house to house only to go home broke. They told me to be more optimistic. That at least we spread the word. Yeah and the word is 'FUCK YOU!'. So I went home that night. I kept my 'buck-for-luck' and never showed up again.
"Welcome to Georgia" I thought to myself waiting for a bus that would never come.

Comments

[raygunn-revival.livejournal.com]

We are each of us wating for a bus that will never come, sugar. That's why we gotta start building more spaceships.

I've decided that if I were a young man, I would cultivate a Teddy Roosevelt mustachioed bespectacled look. Why wait?

In other news, I got a funny reply to my last post in my e-mail but it strangely is absent from my page. I love that picture of the imaginary man.

I saw a man who was'nt there

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Sorry. The imaginary man did'nt show up when it was posted, so he was deleted. Banished to the ghost realm of howling void beasts & lost e-mail.

If I make it to the age of 60 I might try and get a Teddy 'stache. Anything to give me a reason to yell "Bully" periodically and take up big game hunting!

Re: I saw a man who was'nt there

[catwalk.livejournal.com]

or you could start behaving like the warner bros./bugs bunny version...
riding a teeny horse, carrying a saber and screaming "cheeaaaaaarrrge!!!"