Furlough can you go?

[jack_babalon]

A brief list of some of the clandestine agencies and covert services that have been effected by the ongoing United States Government shut down:

1. The United States Parallel Universe Citizenship and Naturalization Service has had to furlough 85% of its personnel. This has meant refugees from neighboring parallel universes such as the one where animatronic presidents at Disney World rule the nation and hunt humans for sport will be unable to apply for life-saving visas.
2. The Center for Disease Control's Crucial Response And Zombie Elimination (C.R.A.Z.E) Squad has been temporarily grounded and unable to respond to harrowing reports of mindless hoards roaming the South East in need of brains. Thankfully satellite imagery has confirmed that this was actually a series of Tea Party rallies against 'big gum'mint' happening in the region.
3. Access to the disembodied brain of President Ronald Reagan, located in Basement X of the National Mall, has been shut down to the public. The disembodied brain of Ronald Reagan floats in a jar filled with life preserving nutrients and through the use of a tiny speaker connected to the brain's stem, is able to babble incoherently for the delight and elucidation of the hundreds of thousands of right wing pilgrims who come to pray to Reagan's Brain each year.
4. Construction on vital anti-kaiju mechs has been halted, the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier remains grounded while all funding to pay Machete for top secret black op missions have been frozen. Emergency funding for the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense however was cleared in a late night vote this past weekend once monstrous tentacles began descending out of rifts in the space time continuum over D.C.
5. "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" has gone from being a delightfully irreverent radio quiz show on current events to having become the official slogan of NPR for the foreseeable future.
6. VPOTUS Joe Biden has been forced to cancel his annual White House Kegger, where it was rumored both White Snake and Warrant were scheduled to play. Also plans to get some 'sweet ass' rims on his Trans Am have been temporarily suspended.
7. Along with various national parks and monuments being closed to the public, so too are the various haunted Indian Burial Grounds used to maintain the Nation's Emergency Poltergeist Reserve.
8. NASA has been unable to receive or respond to a series of subspace transmissons from the celestial depths of Alpha Centauri. The messages herald the eminent arrival of the Jellyfish Robot Rape Armada now enroute to our solar system to wage planetary genocide in retaliation for the cancellation of 'Charles in Charge'.
9. With the FDA crippled, new-improved Soylent Green is scheduled to hit most major supermarket chains by the end of the week. Soylent Green will now come in a variety of tasty flavors ranging from 'Modest Proposal Veal' , 'Low Carb Ground Vegan' and of course 'Extra Chunky Vanilla'.