Now, Jack with the Weather
Feb. 20th, 2015 01:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalonUp next a quick glance at the Metro Terminus weather tomorrow which calls for snow fall accumulating anywhere up to an inch with a 1/10th inch of ice as well. So a reminder to metro residents to step back, take a deep breath, and slowly begin to panic until a state of pants-shitting hysteria kicks in.
Are you there yet?
No, no you're not. Because if you were you wouldn't be reading this but would instead be stalking the supermarket aisles a starved wolf amongst men, ready to kill if need be for the last loaf of bread or half gallon of milk. For when the Snowpocalypse comes and you're trapped inside streaming old Twin Peaks episodes who knows how much calcium or processed bleached wheat you'll need to survive. Thankfully this is an open carry state, so you'll be able to stand your ground against savage milk-marauders, frost giants, sandwich stealing bears, and whatever else tries crawling through your window.
Trigger warnings and spoiler alerts - the worst is yet to come.
Even now, with memories of the Great Ice-Fuckening of 2014 still fresh in their minds, some residents shaking with traffic induced PTSD are listening to the rattle of a handgun between their teeth right now as tears that did flow at their own child's funeral flow now.
Some in preparation have begun setting fire to their cars, not just in defiance of the growing cold but because they'd rather see their car burn than drive it on 285 with a full fucking inch of snow falling on them and the madness alike.
Some have turned to God, and not just Jesus, but whatever one that will take a slaughtered sheep, household pet, or proud honor roll certified child in blood sacrifice.
But please be assured Metro Terminus... your gods have abandoned us (thanks Obama) and even your devils smirk in amusement at a chaos beyond even their sinister imaginings.
So it is I urge you all to try to remember while huddling with your loved ones tonight, feasting on slices of bread and sips of milk as you wait for the end, that we had a good run. We did some wonderful things as not just a city, but a people. Why we totally almost go all the kinks out of our trolley car system and we totally didn't fuck up that Olympics that one time. Plus, we've been in the Walking Dead a couple of episodes. How cool is that?
Why, almost as cool as this icy death that will soon blanket our fair city into oblivion... and now, finally, we turn to Tom with Sports. So Tom, how are the Hawks looking this year?
Are you there yet?
No, no you're not. Because if you were you wouldn't be reading this but would instead be stalking the supermarket aisles a starved wolf amongst men, ready to kill if need be for the last loaf of bread or half gallon of milk. For when the Snowpocalypse comes and you're trapped inside streaming old Twin Peaks episodes who knows how much calcium or processed bleached wheat you'll need to survive. Thankfully this is an open carry state, so you'll be able to stand your ground against savage milk-marauders, frost giants, sandwich stealing bears, and whatever else tries crawling through your window.
Trigger warnings and spoiler alerts - the worst is yet to come.
Even now, with memories of the Great Ice-Fuckening of 2014 still fresh in their minds, some residents shaking with traffic induced PTSD are listening to the rattle of a handgun between their teeth right now as tears that did flow at their own child's funeral flow now.
Some in preparation have begun setting fire to their cars, not just in defiance of the growing cold but because they'd rather see their car burn than drive it on 285 with a full fucking inch of snow falling on them and the madness alike.
Some have turned to God, and not just Jesus, but whatever one that will take a slaughtered sheep, household pet, or proud honor roll certified child in blood sacrifice.
But please be assured Metro Terminus... your gods have abandoned us (thanks Obama) and even your devils smirk in amusement at a chaos beyond even their sinister imaginings.
So it is I urge you all to try to remember while huddling with your loved ones tonight, feasting on slices of bread and sips of milk as you wait for the end, that we had a good run. We did some wonderful things as not just a city, but a people. Why we totally almost go all the kinks out of our trolley car system and we totally didn't fuck up that Olympics that one time. Plus, we've been in the Walking Dead a couple of episodes. How cool is that?
Why, almost as cool as this icy death that will soon blanket our fair city into oblivion... and now, finally, we turn to Tom with Sports. So Tom, how are the Hawks looking this year?