Fortean Slip: The Mothman Proxy

The Flatwoods Monster
September 12th 1952
Flatwoods, Braxton, WV

"[one possible explanation for the UFO phenomenon is that] we have always shared this planet with another intelligent species, which can either remain invisible or manifest to us in any form it chooses. UFO researcher John Keel calls these hypothetical entities 'ultra-terrestrials'. Earlier ages called them fairies, angels, demons, the weird people, etc." - Robert Anton Wilson,"Cosmic Trigger, Volume I: The Final Secret of the Illuminati"

"I abandoned the extraterrestrial hypothesis in 1967 when my own field investigations disclosed an astonishing overlap between psychic phenomena and UFOs... The objects and apparitions do not necessarily originate on another planet and may not even exist as permanent constructions of matter. It is more likely that we see what we want to see and interpret such visions according to our contemporary beliefs."
~John Keel,"The Mothman Prophecies
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Johnny Hentai and the Giant Palouse Earthworm

I've known Johnny Hentai for awhile now. I have to. When I started working with Ronnie I ended up picking up all the customers he didn't want to have to deal with directly.

"Alright Adam here's the deal. I ain't gonna lie and tell you these guys are anything remotely resembling 'cool'. To be honest they're straight up freaks, drama whores, psychos, coke fiends and losers!" Ronnie strokes his billy goatee thoughtfully looking me up and down with that unbluffable beady eye stare of his, "Y'know... now that I think about it ... they're right up your alley!"

And that was that. I was dealing snow to the asshole patrol. Still, freak or not, their money was good and at the end of the day that's all that counts. But Johnny Hentai was another story. At first I made him for just another Trustafarian who got lost on his way to Georgia State. A little small talk, a few minutes of J Pop Pornime, a complimentary bump and that was that. But then shit started getting weird. I mean stupid weird! It began that one night I got a '9-1-1' texted to me in five minute intervals from Johnny. By the time I holler back at him it's just about three in the morn. He tells me he needs the 'usual' but now! He don't care what time it is. He don't care how much extra I gotta charge. He needs his shit and he needs it now!

So I show up at his crib in Lynchville, tired, pissed off and packing two eight balls of love. I knock on the door and a naked man wearing a bird cage over his head answers. The cage is lined with clippings from a wank mag and there's this Darth Vader voice asking me from the bird cage: "DID YOU BRING IT? DID YOU? HUH? HUH?"

That's when I realize that Mr. Au Naturale is in fact Johnny. He invites me in. I tell him fuck that shit, steady customer or not there's no way i'm walking into that. There are flies and shit buzzing around and there's some kind of music that sounds like John Zorn on DMT wafting out like a machine fart. I'm about to leave, by which I mean run for the cab downstairs. That's when Johnny opens up the little bird cage door and reaches in a produces the necessary Benjamins. I count the money and wince at how it sticks to my fingers. Satisfied with the amount I drop off the baggies into his cage helmet and walk away.

I couldn't sleep that night nor jerk off for the rest of the week!

So when Vinny over here starts telling me that i'm 'Not gonna believe this but', I have to hold back my smirk and just let him go ahead and tell his story, because it ain't nothing I ain't heard before, if in fact I wasn't the one who told the story in the first place.

How wrong I was.
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