![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalonI've known Johnny Hentai for awhile now. I have to. When I started working with Ronnie I ended up picking up all the customers he didn't want to have to deal with directly.
"Alright Adam here's the deal. I ain't gonna lie and tell you these guys are anything remotely resembling 'cool'. To be honest they're straight up freaks, drama whores, psychos, coke fiends and losers!" Ronnie strokes his billy goatee thoughtfully looking me up and down with that unbluffable beady eye stare of his, "Y'know... now that I think about it ... they're right up your alley!"
And that was that. I was dealing snow to the asshole patrol. Still, freak or not, their money was good and at the end of the day that's all that counts. But Johnny Hentai was another story. At first I made him for just another Trustafarian who got lost on his way to Georgia State. A little small talk, a few minutes of J Pop Pornime, a complimentary bump and that was that. But then shit started getting weird. I mean stupid weird! It began that one night I got a '9-1-1' texted to me in five minute intervals from Johnny. By the time I holler back at him it's just about three in the morn. He tells me he needs the 'usual' but now! He don't care what time it is. He don't care how much extra I gotta charge. He needs his shit and he needs it now!
So I show up at his crib in Lynchville, tired, pissed off and packing two eight balls of love. I knock on the door and a naked man wearing a bird cage over his head answers. The cage is lined with clippings from a wank mag and there's this Darth Vader voice asking me from the bird cage: "DID YOU BRING IT? DID YOU? HUH? HUH?"
That's when I realize that Mr. Au Naturale is in fact Johnny. He invites me in. I tell him fuck that shit, steady customer or not there's no way i'm walking into that. There are flies and shit buzzing around and there's some kind of music that sounds like John Zorn on DMT wafting out like a machine fart. I'm about to leave, by which I mean run for the cab downstairs. That's when Johnny opens up the little bird cage door and reaches in a produces the necessary Benjamins. I count the money and wince at how it sticks to my fingers. Satisfied with the amount I drop off the baggies into his cage helmet and walk away.
I couldn't sleep that night nor jerk off for the rest of the week!
So when Vinny over here starts telling me that i'm 'Not gonna believe this but', I have to hold back my smirk and just let him go ahead and tell his story, because it ain't nothing I ain't heard before, if in fact I wasn't the one who told the story in the first place.
How wrong I was.
"Have you ever heard of a Giant Palouse Earthworm?" Vinny asks me looking around the bar. I look with him in case there's any giant earthworms drinking at a bar somewhere.
"Not really. Worms are worms..."
"Not this one man!" Vinny has that demented shit eaten grin plastered across his face, that look he gives when he's getting pierced, fucked or fucked up. "Nahhh mannn Nahhh, see this worm is like... three feet long." and he opens up his arms wide to indicate the length "and the mother fucker like spits..."
"Spits?"
"Yeah spitssss" Vinny hisses the word with an unusual zeal, "and check this shit out: The fucker smells like lilies!"
"Uh-huh... so what's this all got to do with Hentai Johnny?"
"Well here's the thing... Johnny's always been lacking size wise..."
I shrug a 'If you say so'.
"So when Johnny hears that one of these Palouse Earthworms have recently been found in the Midwest, he gets himself an idea..."
"Uh-huh"
"He decides he's just gonna fly out there and hunt it down, right? Capture it! Bring it back to Terminus and then have a body mod specialist... y'know like one of those doctors that do the Anime-Eye impants and shit... and have him replace his cock with the giant earthworm!"
"Wait a minute you're saying he's done this already?"
"Oh yeah..."
"Fuckin' hell."
"Wait it gets better. So Johnny's got himself the three foot worm shlong from hell, right? But now he can't even find a crack whore off Ponce willing to work that shit. So here's Johnny, he's finally got the 'Reign of the Overfiend' tentacle dick he always dreamed of and he can't do nothing with it. Worst of all the fuckers always spitting and shit and now Johnny can't even take a leak without the call of wild slithering out of his drawers..."
"...."
"...yeah I know right! So check it! Johnny decides he's gotta get it lobbed off. Go back to a normal sized dick and leave his tentacle porn fantasies behind. But it doesn't work out that way. Johnny disappears..." Vinny stops and downs his drinks. Then he lights up a cigarette. Savoring each second of expectation from me. Finally he continues, but only after I wave the bartender for two refills.
"Alright, so I don't know whether or not the worm knew that Johnny was planning to go all Lorena Bobbit on it's ass or if it was bound to happen sooner or later. But when they finally kicked in his door a week later they found him there laying dead on his sofa... porn on the tube and that god damn worm wrapped around his throat like a pink boa constrictor... fucker choked his ass to death... they say the room reeked of lilies."
"Fuckin' A!"
"I know... worse part... the fucking thing was still alive."
"What?"
"Yeah... fucked if I know how... but it's an endangered species..."
"A worm?"
"Uh-huh. So they had a specialist fly in and surgically remove it. Things roaming around back in the wild."
"There's a thought."
So Vinny and I sit there at the bar. The regulars start filtering in. I lay two twentys across the bar and tell Vinny when we'll meet up again. On the way out I wonder how i'm gonna tell Ronnie that's he lost one of his best customers to a giant earthworm.
"Alright Adam here's the deal. I ain't gonna lie and tell you these guys are anything remotely resembling 'cool'. To be honest they're straight up freaks, drama whores, psychos, coke fiends and losers!" Ronnie strokes his billy goatee thoughtfully looking me up and down with that unbluffable beady eye stare of his, "Y'know... now that I think about it ... they're right up your alley!"
And that was that. I was dealing snow to the asshole patrol. Still, freak or not, their money was good and at the end of the day that's all that counts. But Johnny Hentai was another story. At first I made him for just another Trustafarian who got lost on his way to Georgia State. A little small talk, a few minutes of J Pop Pornime, a complimentary bump and that was that. But then shit started getting weird. I mean stupid weird! It began that one night I got a '9-1-1' texted to me in five minute intervals from Johnny. By the time I holler back at him it's just about three in the morn. He tells me he needs the 'usual' but now! He don't care what time it is. He don't care how much extra I gotta charge. He needs his shit and he needs it now!
So I show up at his crib in Lynchville, tired, pissed off and packing two eight balls of love. I knock on the door and a naked man wearing a bird cage over his head answers. The cage is lined with clippings from a wank mag and there's this Darth Vader voice asking me from the bird cage: "DID YOU BRING IT? DID YOU? HUH? HUH?"
That's when I realize that Mr. Au Naturale is in fact Johnny. He invites me in. I tell him fuck that shit, steady customer or not there's no way i'm walking into that. There are flies and shit buzzing around and there's some kind of music that sounds like John Zorn on DMT wafting out like a machine fart. I'm about to leave, by which I mean run for the cab downstairs. That's when Johnny opens up the little bird cage door and reaches in a produces the necessary Benjamins. I count the money and wince at how it sticks to my fingers. Satisfied with the amount I drop off the baggies into his cage helmet and walk away.
I couldn't sleep that night nor jerk off for the rest of the week!
So when Vinny over here starts telling me that i'm 'Not gonna believe this but', I have to hold back my smirk and just let him go ahead and tell his story, because it ain't nothing I ain't heard before, if in fact I wasn't the one who told the story in the first place.
How wrong I was.
"Have you ever heard of a Giant Palouse Earthworm?" Vinny asks me looking around the bar. I look with him in case there's any giant earthworms drinking at a bar somewhere.
"Not really. Worms are worms..."
"Not this one man!" Vinny has that demented shit eaten grin plastered across his face, that look he gives when he's getting pierced, fucked or fucked up. "Nahhh mannn Nahhh, see this worm is like... three feet long." and he opens up his arms wide to indicate the length "and the mother fucker like spits..."
"Spits?"
"Yeah spitssss" Vinny hisses the word with an unusual zeal, "and check this shit out: The fucker smells like lilies!"
"Uh-huh... so what's this all got to do with Hentai Johnny?"
"Well here's the thing... Johnny's always been lacking size wise..."
I shrug a 'If you say so'.
"So when Johnny hears that one of these Palouse Earthworms have recently been found in the Midwest, he gets himself an idea..."
"Uh-huh"
"He decides he's just gonna fly out there and hunt it down, right? Capture it! Bring it back to Terminus and then have a body mod specialist... y'know like one of those doctors that do the Anime-Eye impants and shit... and have him replace his cock with the giant earthworm!"
"Wait a minute you're saying he's done this already?"
"Oh yeah..."
"Fuckin' hell."
"Wait it gets better. So Johnny's got himself the three foot worm shlong from hell, right? But now he can't even find a crack whore off Ponce willing to work that shit. So here's Johnny, he's finally got the 'Reign of the Overfiend' tentacle dick he always dreamed of and he can't do nothing with it. Worst of all the fuckers always spitting and shit and now Johnny can't even take a leak without the call of wild slithering out of his drawers..."
"...."
"...yeah I know right! So check it! Johnny decides he's gotta get it lobbed off. Go back to a normal sized dick and leave his tentacle porn fantasies behind. But it doesn't work out that way. Johnny disappears..." Vinny stops and downs his drinks. Then he lights up a cigarette. Savoring each second of expectation from me. Finally he continues, but only after I wave the bartender for two refills.
"Alright, so I don't know whether or not the worm knew that Johnny was planning to go all Lorena Bobbit on it's ass or if it was bound to happen sooner or later. But when they finally kicked in his door a week later they found him there laying dead on his sofa... porn on the tube and that god damn worm wrapped around his throat like a pink boa constrictor... fucker choked his ass to death... they say the room reeked of lilies."
"Fuckin' A!"
"I know... worse part... the fucking thing was still alive."
"What?"
"Yeah... fucked if I know how... but it's an endangered species..."
"A worm?"
"Uh-huh. So they had a specialist fly in and surgically remove it. Things roaming around back in the wild."
"There's a thought."
So Vinny and I sit there at the bar. The regulars start filtering in. I lay two twentys across the bar and tell Vinny when we'll meet up again. On the way out I wonder how i'm gonna tell Ronnie that's he lost one of his best customers to a giant earthworm.
