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jack_babalon"You wanted to see me, Mr.Collins?" Bill cautiously asked, his face peering through the crack of the door to the Accounts Management Floor-Supervisors office.
"Arrr that I did Young Mr. Hayes! Come in lad and have a seat, but first be sure to be closing the hatch behind you. You'll be needing to have some words with the old Captain that would best be heard in private."
"Umm... yeah, okay." Bill stepped in the office and closed the door behind him. Mr.Collins sat behind his desk wearing his usual forced smile and reeking of cheap aftershave. What was different today was that Mr.Collins was wearing his red and white stripped tie as a head band, his twelve dollar button up shirt from K-Mart was torn open down to the navel revealing a cloud of gray chest hair and behind his black rimmed glasses, Mr.Collins wore a yellow post-it note over his left eye.
Despite all this, Bill took his seat.
"Splice the mainbrace?" Mr.Collins says pulling a half emptied bottle of Captain Morgan out of his desk drawer. "Come now lad, a little Grog'll put some fire in your gun, it will ..."
"Mr.Collins it's only 10:30 in the morning..."
"Aye lad, it's best to get an early start. You never know what fortunes the sea will bring!" With that Mr.Collins toasted the air with the bottle and proceeded to drain the bottle down until there was only a swig left at the bottom. Then Mr.Collins let out a long steady burp followed by a satisfied sigh, then wiped his chin off with the 3rd Quarter Report that Bill worked on all night and leaned back in his chair staring at Bill.
This went on for a very long and very awkward two minutes.
Suddenly Mr.Collins jumped up, reached under his desk and was now holding a buccaneer sword whose blade was thrust an inch away from Bill's throat.
"Who are you and what pox ridden bastard of a dog let you in here? Speak boy... speak or I swear i'll slit yer goddam throat open right here and now" he slurred, his one eye wide with beligerent rage.
"It's me, sir, Bill Hayes... from Consumer Debt Renegiotation!"
"So you be thinking you can just sneak up on the old Captain do you? You think you be having the brass cannonballs to be putting a Black Spot on me unawares? Well, speak you bilge sucking son of a whore!"
"You-called-me-in-here-sir-remember?" Bill says stepping back from the blade with his arms up in surrender.
Mr.Collins eyes Bill with the side of his mouth open to reveal clenched teeth.
"Aye that I did. That I did. Please, take a seat Phil..."
"Um that's Bill sir..."
With that Mr. Collins sat back behind the desk, carefully slid the sword back and straightened out his tie across his forehead before continuing. "I won't be mincing words with ye, Bill... ye don't mind me calling ye Bill do ya?" Mr. Collins continued without waiting for an answer. "Bill, Bill, Bill me Matey, how long have you been sailing with us here onboard EquiFacts Incorporated now?"
"Uh...five years next month Mr.Collins"
"Five years you've been a member of this crew!" he roared, slamming his fist across the table and rattling a "Worlds Greatest Dad" coffee cup and his Far Side Calendar, "Five years now. Practically an old salt, why you've sailed with us across the briny deep of our Debt Renegiotation Department through many a battle. Why me own Number One tells me that there be no man who works harder and that you are as reliable as an Admirals first piss in the morning..."
"What?"
"No don't be modest. It's true."
"Uhhhh... thank you, I guess."
"That's why it pains me Bill to be letting you weigh anchor to find opportunities to be sailing somewhere else?"
Mr. Collins looked a little sad now and Bill just nodded. Waiting. Then it hit him.
"Hold on a second. You're firing me?"
"Aye that I am! You'll be well compensated of course. Arrr it's a full two weeks severance worth of booty you'll be receiving and of course whatever vacation time you've accured..."
"But... but what have I done wrong sir?"
"Arrr... how will I best be putting this? You see Bill, you're a damn fine worker, a true Jack Tar through and through ... but, well here's the thing Bill. Ye just don't get into the spirit of the things now do you?"
At this Mr.Collins swiveled out of his chair and walked over to him.
"Y'see the crews been talking here lately... and to be honest it's become clear that you're just not a team player now. I mean would it have killed you to get involved in "Talk like a pirate day?" Wear an eye-patch maybe? Or even wore one of those adorable paper pirate hats Janice brought in for the crew?"
"So you're saying that the reason you're firing me is because I won't talk like a pirate?"
"No...no boy. It's not like that. It's not like that at all... Well, actually now that you say it that way... why yes it's true. But there be the other things as well. Why just last October for "Dress like a Ninja Day" you came in wearing khakis and a blazer! What kind of Ninja wears Khakis and a blazer?"
"No one told me it was 'Dress Like A Ninja Day'!"
"Well you got to be taking the initiative, now doncha Bill. The world won't be handing you gold Bullions on a plate will it? Besides what about last 'Talk like a Bengali Lancer Day'..."
"What does that even mean?"
"That's not the point. The point is that i'm gonna have to let you walk that long plank to the unemployment office lad. I wish there be some other way but arrrr... between the outsourcing and Dick Cheneys America... HR said I had to be cutting someone. And... well here we are."
"I can't believe this is happening?"
"It's hard when a Captain has to Keel haul one of his own. Breaks his heart it does. But if you just played along Bill you could've made First Mate in no time."
"So that's it?"
"That and Godspeed me lad. May you find your fortunes aboard some other fine vessel. You can be sure to use me as a reference if need be lad."
Bill nods to himself and goes to say something to Mr.Collins, but already his former boss is staring out his fourth floor window with the cardboard tube from a toliet roll, scanning the parking lot below for the promise of booty and adventure.
Bill shrugs and steps back out into the office. There he can see that Phil from Marketing has been stripped down from the waist up, tied to the water cooler and is currently being lashed across the back by the Accounting Department. Other employees have started stacking desks on top of each other to form a Crows Nest while the Mail room staff proceed to sing hip-hop sea shantys at the top of their lungs.
And this dear readers, is why Bill has always hated 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'!
"Arrr that I did Young Mr. Hayes! Come in lad and have a seat, but first be sure to be closing the hatch behind you. You'll be needing to have some words with the old Captain that would best be heard in private."
"Umm... yeah, okay." Bill stepped in the office and closed the door behind him. Mr.Collins sat behind his desk wearing his usual forced smile and reeking of cheap aftershave. What was different today was that Mr.Collins was wearing his red and white stripped tie as a head band, his twelve dollar button up shirt from K-Mart was torn open down to the navel revealing a cloud of gray chest hair and behind his black rimmed glasses, Mr.Collins wore a yellow post-it note over his left eye.
Despite all this, Bill took his seat.
"Splice the mainbrace?" Mr.Collins says pulling a half emptied bottle of Captain Morgan out of his desk drawer. "Come now lad, a little Grog'll put some fire in your gun, it will ..."
"Mr.Collins it's only 10:30 in the morning..."
"Aye lad, it's best to get an early start. You never know what fortunes the sea will bring!" With that Mr.Collins toasted the air with the bottle and proceeded to drain the bottle down until there was only a swig left at the bottom. Then Mr.Collins let out a long steady burp followed by a satisfied sigh, then wiped his chin off with the 3rd Quarter Report that Bill worked on all night and leaned back in his chair staring at Bill.
This went on for a very long and very awkward two minutes.
Suddenly Mr.Collins jumped up, reached under his desk and was now holding a buccaneer sword whose blade was thrust an inch away from Bill's throat.
"Who are you and what pox ridden bastard of a dog let you in here? Speak boy... speak or I swear i'll slit yer goddam throat open right here and now" he slurred, his one eye wide with beligerent rage.
"It's me, sir, Bill Hayes... from Consumer Debt Renegiotation!"
"So you be thinking you can just sneak up on the old Captain do you? You think you be having the brass cannonballs to be putting a Black Spot on me unawares? Well, speak you bilge sucking son of a whore!"
"You-called-me-in-here-sir-remember?" Bill says stepping back from the blade with his arms up in surrender.
Mr.Collins eyes Bill with the side of his mouth open to reveal clenched teeth.
"Aye that I did. That I did. Please, take a seat Phil..."
"Um that's Bill sir..."
With that Mr. Collins sat back behind the desk, carefully slid the sword back and straightened out his tie across his forehead before continuing. "I won't be mincing words with ye, Bill... ye don't mind me calling ye Bill do ya?" Mr. Collins continued without waiting for an answer. "Bill, Bill, Bill me Matey, how long have you been sailing with us here onboard EquiFacts Incorporated now?"
"Uh...five years next month Mr.Collins"
"Five years you've been a member of this crew!" he roared, slamming his fist across the table and rattling a "Worlds Greatest Dad" coffee cup and his Far Side Calendar, "Five years now. Practically an old salt, why you've sailed with us across the briny deep of our Debt Renegiotation Department through many a battle. Why me own Number One tells me that there be no man who works harder and that you are as reliable as an Admirals first piss in the morning..."
"What?"
"No don't be modest. It's true."
"Uhhhh... thank you, I guess."
"That's why it pains me Bill to be letting you weigh anchor to find opportunities to be sailing somewhere else?"
Mr. Collins looked a little sad now and Bill just nodded. Waiting. Then it hit him.
"Hold on a second. You're firing me?"
"Aye that I am! You'll be well compensated of course. Arrr it's a full two weeks severance worth of booty you'll be receiving and of course whatever vacation time you've accured..."
"But... but what have I done wrong sir?"
"Arrr... how will I best be putting this? You see Bill, you're a damn fine worker, a true Jack Tar through and through ... but, well here's the thing Bill. Ye just don't get into the spirit of the things now do you?"
At this Mr.Collins swiveled out of his chair and walked over to him.
"Y'see the crews been talking here lately... and to be honest it's become clear that you're just not a team player now. I mean would it have killed you to get involved in "Talk like a pirate day?" Wear an eye-patch maybe? Or even wore one of those adorable paper pirate hats Janice brought in for the crew?"
"So you're saying that the reason you're firing me is because I won't talk like a pirate?"
"No...no boy. It's not like that. It's not like that at all... Well, actually now that you say it that way... why yes it's true. But there be the other things as well. Why just last October for "Dress like a Ninja Day" you came in wearing khakis and a blazer! What kind of Ninja wears Khakis and a blazer?"
"No one told me it was 'Dress Like A Ninja Day'!"
"Well you got to be taking the initiative, now doncha Bill. The world won't be handing you gold Bullions on a plate will it? Besides what about last 'Talk like a Bengali Lancer Day'..."
"What does that even mean?"
"That's not the point. The point is that i'm gonna have to let you walk that long plank to the unemployment office lad. I wish there be some other way but arrrr... between the outsourcing and Dick Cheneys America... HR said I had to be cutting someone. And... well here we are."
"I can't believe this is happening?"
"It's hard when a Captain has to Keel haul one of his own. Breaks his heart it does. But if you just played along Bill you could've made First Mate in no time."
"So that's it?"
"That and Godspeed me lad. May you find your fortunes aboard some other fine vessel. You can be sure to use me as a reference if need be lad."
Bill nods to himself and goes to say something to Mr.Collins, but already his former boss is staring out his fourth floor window with the cardboard tube from a toliet roll, scanning the parking lot below for the promise of booty and adventure.
Bill shrugs and steps back out into the office. There he can see that Phil from Marketing has been stripped down from the waist up, tied to the water cooler and is currently being lashed across the back by the Accounting Department. Other employees have started stacking desks on top of each other to form a Crows Nest while the Mail room staff proceed to sing hip-hop sea shantys at the top of their lungs.
And this dear readers, is why Bill has always hated 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'!
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no subject
on 2006-09-19 09:24 pm (UTC)Phil... coffee cups... hitting mighty close there, fellow!
xxx