"In the shadow of the Grimace"

[jack_babalon]

The following text has been excerpted, with permission, from Dr. Thomas Michigan's new book, "Fortean Slip: The secret history of Ultraterrestial Terrorism in American history, folklore and pop-culture", chapter 13: "In the shadow of the Grimace"

"... so for now dear reader, we must turn our attention away from Los Angeles and it's proliferation of shaved Yeti's in the workplace, to focus on the more serious threat of the "Celebrity Ultraterrestial". These creatures have somehow managed to escape the notoriety associated with the more common Lake Serpent, Mothman or Were-Hillbilly to not only survive in the public eye but to actually thrive in the media saturated enviornment of the 21st century. These beings include, but are not limited to: The Talking Gecko of London, the Cro-Magnon Yuppy, The Pancake Syrup Golem and of course the dreaded Math Vampire of PBS (See... see what you fools have done by pledging your hard earned money to liberal television? You've allowed our children to learn basic arithmetic from an undying monster!!!)

But none of these corporate culture friendly creatures can compare with that most mysterious of beasts, the elusive and deadly North American Grimace! But just what is a "Grimace"? For know that no other question has been as instrumental in creating near hysteria and violence amongst the zoological community.

According to a website run by the very company that employs this purple skinned devil as a mascot: "Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he's a little slow and clumsy sometimes"

What they neglect to tell you is that the Grimace is a savage abomination that feeds off the soft brains of little children who have been seduced by his friendly demeanor and the sweet, sweet promise of McShakes!

Recently Professor Martin L Landsbury (no relation) handed me this article he "Wikipediaed": "In the first cycle of McDonaldland commercials beginning in 1971, Grimace was the "Evil Grimace", with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the "good guys", and his number of arms was reduced to two. Today, Grimace is generally portrayed in McDonald's commercials and merchandise as a sort of well-meaning doofus, whose clumsy antics provide a comic foil to the serious clown Ronald McDonald.

But there have been reports of the Grimace throughout History. There is the old Navajo legend speaks of the last days of the Great Cycle "... when the Dusk Colored Puddle Man will walk with the Yellow Clown, bringing death, famine and pestilience to the children of the Earth...". There is the passage in Plato's Republic that mentions the time Socrates had to battle a 'man-monster made of a strange, sticky substance that was oddly pleasing to taste' and even now, amongst academic circles worldwide, the debate continues between scholars who believe that Stonehenge was built by dinosaur riding Druids and by those who propose that it was in fact the enslaved inhabitants of ancient Britannia who built the famous structure as an outdoor theatre for their Grimace Overlords!

The Grimace we know today though is not the only one as they would have you believe. For there have been reports of a green skinned version of this Diabetes inducing behemoth, seen in the rolling countryside of Ireland, known simply as... Uncle O'Grimacey.


A rare photo captured by a National Geographic film crew of the O'Grimcacey communing with a regular Grimace & a clown shortly before they were torn to pieces and had the marrow sucked from their still warm bones.

What other deadly flavors of Grimace are out there that we know nothing about? Is there, as some have dared to postulate, a relationship between the Grimace and the escalating levels of infant mortality in the United States? Can anything kill the Grimace? These questions remain, at the time of writing, unanswerable.

For now though, let us ponder the Sexsquatch...

Comments

[efire360.livejournal.com]

Ah good lord! My coworkers are dismayed by the incarnations of the grimace. I pulled it up on Wiki and was shocked to find that your report on this unworldly creature is accurate! I do believe that the grimace evolved from giant microbes.

evolved from giant microbes

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

That is one theory. Another is that the Grimace is merely a visitor from the future and this is what we humans will eventually evolve into.

[destructodeluxo.livejournal.com]

Ever since I was a small child Ive hated and feared that fucker.
"Grimace is the Pedobears identity of choice"-Fact
Really Im the reason North Cobb macdonalds dont have a Grimace appearance.
And if someones stupid enough to put that shit on around me,on their & Macdonalds Corp heads be it.
No shit. No kidding.
keep that thing away from children..........and me.