I would fight crime tonight... but I haven't got a stitch to wear

[jack_babalon]

So one day you wake up with superpowers. Sweet! You can fly. You can punch holes through walls. You can pop claws out of your hand. Do whatever a spider can. But what if you drew a low card on the metahuman/mutant/mystic lottery? What if you found out you had phantom vision, wombat senses, doppler radar, turn gold into lead, channel the spirits of trailer park ghosts, see one second into the future, shrink (which sorry to say Atom & Ant Man, would fucking suck big time when Ultron or the Anti-Monitor came a calling), had a bionic toe or could talk to fish (not command them Aqua-fool just talk to them!)

Well chances are you'd still have to sew yourself up a costume no matter what you planned to do with your gifts. Remember this is comic books not NBCs Heroes. In comics even a teenager whose sole power was to become two teenagers had to put on a cape and a flight ring... poor, poor Duo-Damsel).

This is where I want to help. Because in comic books sure you can die a hundred times and come back... no sweat. However just like in real life you only get to make a first impression once (no matter how many first issues you get) so you should really try to pick a decent set of tights before you go prowling rooftop to rooftop. No one wants to see you shove a sock down your spandex while you try not to trip over your own cape, okay? It's not just embarassing yourself, your embarassing the evil scientists, world conquerors and evil mutants who have taken the time to make you their arch enemy. If not for them, think about the civilians you'll be saving. No one wants to pulled out of a burning building by a guy who looks like a color blind Ziggy Stardust on angel dust.

So inspired by these lists of the best and worst costumes of all time. I went ahead and tried to pick a few of the worst. Sh'yeah, good luck there. So i'll have to do it by hero/villain and DC/Marvel. First the lists.

20 coolest costumes of all time

Some of the worst

More of the worst

So we'll begin with Marvel Superheroes and some of the outfits that have left a Ben Grim sized bad taste in my mouth.

1.Captain Ultra


Okay unless you're flying over the Pride parade there Captain Colorblind, you might want to tone it down a bit huh. Seriously did you just give crayons to a mentally handicapped child and have him color in your costume?

2.Dr.Druid


Hey Charles Emerson Winchester the Third you wanna maybe pull your hood up a bitand close your cloak a little there, red long johns are so 1934! You readers are lucky actually, back when he joined the Avengers in the late 80's they drew Dr Schmuck here with a pot belly just to boost his raw suckage quotient!

3.Puck

I know i'm gonna get shit for this amongst some of you Alpha Flight fans but sorry dressing a hairy midget up like Mickey Mouse and sending him out to fight crime is more than just a little cruel.

4.Cable

Two words: Rob Leifeld!

'Nuff Said true believers!

5.Brother Voodoo


Oh yeah the guys from Haiti so he couldn't possibly have shoes! Nice one guys. But he does have a red tassle thingys on his legs along with a red cape with a yellow inlay. C'mon, this guy was educated in the states for twelve years as a psychologist, you mean to tell me he'd want to dress as an extra in a 1930's Tarzan movie once he came home to avenge his brothers death?

I was tempted to add Luke Cage's first costume, but Heroes for Hire used to be one of my favorite comics, so i'll forgive the metal tiara since he's the only member of the Avengers who dresses like a sane person would these days.

Did I leave anyone out?(Marvel good guys that is)

Comments

[dj-spider.livejournal.com]

How dare they diss Dazzler???!!!

It's more than just colored lights...it's um...well, frickin' laser beams, man!

Plus, she'll be back out at DragonCon again this year in all her shiny silver glory **ppphhhttthhhttt***

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Personally I liked her first costume (wasn't a big fan of the 80's head band and blue leotards look though).

I always thought that her ability to convert sound to light was way underused. Imagine if instead of converting the sound from a radio she accessed all of New York City during Rush hour? Though, as stupid as it might sound, I was surprised she never tried reversing it, turning light into sound for ear shattering sonic booms on a sunny day.

I do hope you find someone dressed as Ash from Army Of Darkness this year to get a photo with - do that whole Marvel Zombies vs AoD thing mabye?

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Man, how can they rag on Daredevil? I mean, it's not like it could possibly be his fault. And still, hardly anyone ever wonders whether Moondragon is effing cold out in space with no pants. Well, you know, I care. :-P

(Also, generally, this post is full of win.)

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I always wondered why a Titanian space priestess would dress like an eco-friendly stripper myself. One imagines she has disciplined her mind/body relationship not to notice extreme enviornmental depravations.

I haven't read it myself but I hear she has a new look in something called Annihilation.



A bit more practical than the Borat swim suit she wore back in the day.

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

I'd never heard of that Puck guy before -- so his whole deal is he's short and can do a cart wheel?

And no matter what that one website says, The Mod Gorilla Boss and Dr. Bong are two of the coolest things I've seen in comics.

~rl

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on "The Mod Gorilla Boss" thing myself. If I was at DC i'd have a field day with this. Picture a gorilla on a suped up Vespa ala Quadraphenia with a bunch of other gorillas dressed like the Specials! You could do this whole Gorilla Grodd meets Austin Powers thing.

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

And there's always "Mad Mod" to throw into the mix:

http://www.titanstower.com/source/whoswho/badtt1.html#mod

[maestrosatori.livejournal.com]

Dude, Puck sacrificed his once-normal stature to imprison the evil spirit of the Black Blade of Baghdad with the light of his own soul! The spirit, trapped inside Puck's body, caused him to shrink to his dwarfish form but increased his life span and fighting abilities.

Say what you will, but a midget who hung out with Hemingway gets a thumbs-up in my book.

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

If they ever made a film...er... CBC miniseries of Aplha Flight, there's only one man to sang for this role:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0034305/

[catwalk.livejournal.com]

ye gods! that's exactly who i thought of when i first saw puck years ago! :-D

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on that. If I recall this guy also used to meditate with Wolverine and i've always saw him as the most grounded member of AF. Same reason I liked the Beast in the Avengers comic more than the X-men, where he was still a scientific brain, but would go out bar hopping with Wonder Man or writing poetry to his gf.

But i'm sorry man, that costume is a bit silly. To be honest I don't think his character would even wear one, ala Jack Knight or Luke Cage recently.

Alas, I rant away...