The Zen of Jack Chick

[jack_babalon]

You know when I hear the term Chicks with Dicks two things come to mind: 1)A wonderful night of Shore Leave I spent in Sing-Sing (see LJ entry #33,023 - "Don't ask, Don't tell... but never forget!" and 2)The divine kitsch of Jack "The Mac" Chick!

Here we learn the answer to the burning question of our time: What do RPGers, Catholics, Freemasons, Homosexuals and Cavemen all have in common? An unusual fondness for playing dress-up? Well, yes, but besides that? They've all scored a one way ticket down the shit-slide to hell, next stop... New Jersey... mind the gap!


Yes, we all "love being nasty" but Jesus? Not such a big fan!

"Whoah hold on Jack" some of you might be saying, despite the fact that this is a blog and I can't hear you, "Now I know that Led Zepplin, the teachings of the Dali Lama and having 'The Gay' means eternal damnation... but what's wrong with playing D&D?"

Well for one thing, only people over 30 play RPGs anymore, mainly because the 'kids' can't bother with all that tiring social interaction so it's mainly WoW and other MMOGs. One could say its all ADD instead of AD&D. For another, RPGS is a gateway drug... not just to the world of theatre and night club promotions... but to the go-go glamourous world of SATAN (Satan, satan, satan... opps left the echo on...)


Pfff... yeah, but she still has a shitty armor class and her saving throws are utter crap! Better luck whoring yourself for Satan, Debbie!

MEANWHILE AT DRAGON*CON...


"... and that's how I joined the OTO... true story!"

But what if you've managed to resist the siren call of the D20, only to be seduced by... SCIENCE!!! Yes, terrible, terrible science. Science that purveyor of such fairy tales as the Big Bang, the laws of thermodynamics, the Puffer-fish and that the dinosaurs were possibly wiped out through a cataclysmic event sometime in the Earth's distant past.

Well, guess what science? God calls bullshit on you!

God did all that in one week? Wow, he's like the Mexican day laborer of theology!

Now, that we've revealed D&D to be no more than an occult training workshop for people with poor social skills and science to be a promiscous harlot who never calls you back what's next? Oh, well what would Christainity be without a little intolerance?


Gulp indeed... why all it takes is one glance of two pot bellied afroed men walking arm in arm to turn a heterosexual boy into... one of THEM! In fact, if you are a straight man, just seeing that image briefly has probably opened an insatiable hunger for something the Gay Militants call ... THE COCK!

Well what about Halloween (because for me everyday is like Halloween... I feel so absurd, I feel so obscene...), surely as long as I don't worship Satan, play D&D or believe in evolution i'll be fine with a little trick or treating?

Nope! God Hates Trick or Treaters most of all! Yes... even more than he hates Cavemen! Why? Well listen up!

"Oh my god honey our little boy is missing... wait... hold on... hey check out this awesome Pumpkin though!"


Still here? What the new DIESEL SWEET or DEVILS PANTIES hasn't been posted yet? Oh, well okay then, since you're here. You know the only group more powerfull than gamers, gays and the science community is the Freemasons! Surely this "Society with Secrets" must know the score? Whoah-hoah, read on what happens when a bored married couple attempt to spice up their sex lives with Baphomet and Fezes...







Alright i'm going to interupt here just say this... do you really trust a guy who carries a picture of Baphomet around in his car?








And if you've all learned something today... I hope it's that Righteousness does not come from an Apron! Well, that and when you upset God he goes after your family... mafia style!

You have just glimpsed upon but a fraction of the Zen Awesomness that is Jack "The Mac" Chick (aka the Chuck Norris of Christainity!). If you have any other questions concerning Jesus, dinosaurs, homosexual druid-masons who play D&D... or just simply want to find free porn... visit your local internet today.

This has been your host, Jack Babalon, wishing you all a safe, great weekend!

Comments

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Ah, Chick etymology. Remember, kids, scholarship is for the damned. The righteous get all their information about the world from badly-drawn pamphlets.

It's all fun and games until you meet people who really honest-to-god tell you things like "I feel sorry for smart people. It's so hard for them to get right with Jesus." *twitch*

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Blessed are the stupid for they shall inherit the labors of the smart! Yeah, I got a similar lecture from our ships Chaplin once upon the 90s. Still they are a lot of fun to laught at!

More Jack Chick!!!

[98hooker.livejournal.com]

I love the term "Chuck Norris of Christianity"! Funny. And such a good post. You covered all the bases. Of course, Jack Chick is an equal opportunity hater - he hates everyone! You'll dig this: www.316now.com has 9 short films based on actual Chick Tracts, like "Angels" and "Doom Town" and "Wounded Children" and "Titanic!" You will get a kick out of it. Keep up the zen of Jack Chick.

Re: More Jack Chick!!!

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I've seen an animated version of "Somebody Goofed" on Anxious Animation once but that's about it. Thanks i'll try and check those out.

Appreciate the feed back:)

Ahhhh the ole god aint an apron tale

[destructodeluxo.livejournal.com]

Gotta love the Chick tracts miss getting them on marta.
In other Luciferiarian news Nov 10th Atlanta.
P-TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boobs n strange music as Gen returns to the south!!!!!!
Going?..........of course you are.

Re: Ahhhh the ole god aint an apron tale

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I haven't heard about any PTV shows in Atlanta, where at?

Canceled....on a sad note

[destructodeluxo.livejournal.com]

Genesis Breyer P-Orridge and her reactivated Psychic TV aka PTV3 are terribly sad to announce the cancellation of their November North American tour dates. This decision is entirely due to the unexpected passing of band member Lady Jaye Breyer P-Orridge.

Lady Jaye died suddenly on Tuesday 9th October 2007 at home in Brooklyn, New York from a previously undiagnosed heart condition which is thought to have been connected with her long-term battle with stomach cancer. Lady Jaye collapsed and died in the arms of her heartbroken "other half" Genesis Breyer P-Orridge.

Being overwhelmed by the enormity of their loss, Genesis and the other surviving band members of Psychic TV/PTV3 are not able to properly meet the demands of touring and performance. Obviously, her absence onstage , the conspicuous loss of her unique charisma, music and humour would be an unbearable emotional reality to confront night after night.

The group, who have been touring to promote their first studio album in 12 years, will announce future plans after an appropriate period of mourning.

[therealmacgyver.livejournal.com]

Great stuff Jack. I'd seen some of the AD&D cartoons before and thought they were hilarious (someone should have sued for that).

That's Jewish Halloween up there though right? Upside down star of David ("trust us, it's upside down. Yes we know there's no way to tell. Listen I'll write "this way up" in the middle alright?!")

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I wish there was a Jewish Halloween (maybe it could have been a commeration of Solomon bottling the 72 demons, so that once a year its traditional to have little kids go around dressed as one of the 'demons' where they receive a little bottle from kindly grown ups (I picture it with a hermetic seal on it but filled with candy:))