The Terminus Guide to Urban Wildlife: Chapter 12 - Beards

[jack_babalon]

Whether you should find yourself in Cabbage Town after taking a wrong turn off 'Dime Street' or simply buying yourself a fortyfive dollar t-shirt in Little Five Points, visitors to Atlanta are often intimidated when they first make contact with a Beard!

Beards are often confused with other furry chinned locals - the Biker, Grandpa-Gonna-Kick-yo-Ass or even the Working Adult who they almost bear a passing resemblance to. Though admitedly a little Manson-ish looking (especially around the mouth), they are by and large nothing for a citizen of average strength to be concerned about. In fact they are the fastest growing minority in Terminus currently and are a demographic that consists primarily of underemployed post-suburban white males in their late teens to early thirties.

The Beard goes by many names. For example - "Jesus Cheeks", "Commander Riker" and "70's Bush Face" - are all acceptable terms and highly encouraged by the author should you ever have occasion to meet a Beard. Finding one is rather easy to do in the city, as their habitats are often the cultural husks and refried kitsch leftovers from the early 90's - therefore they can usually be found nesting in coffee shops, used record stores, 'independent' video rental shacks, busking by the side of their mini-vans, theatre rehearsals, post graduate classes and on the guest lists of local bands everywhere.

The Beard is a timid creature though, able to blend in with it's surroundings by the use of what some leading anthropologists call 'Ironic-Camoflauge' -whereby through the use of a truckers hat, a paper thin plaid shirt, old punk band tattoo's or courdry jeans - and the Beard is rendered indistinquishable from his companions. However if confronted the Beard has been known to spit Pabs up to thirty feet as well as being in possession of a devastating sense of sarcasm - one that can paralyze a victim for up to thirty seconds.

So if dealing with a Beard it helps to understand a few facts that render them different from the 'Chins' (as they call beardless males).

- If you meet one under thirty you should understand that they are 'way too over it' to be bothered with the basic social moree's you might come to expect from someone who works as a full time barrista or a clerk at a overpriced retail fashion outlet. I once witnessed a pack of Beards pounce on one of their own at Aurora Coffee when a younger member of their tribe accidently addressed a customer with a 'hello, how may I help you?'. They almost drowned the pour son of a bitch in a four dollar cup of coffee until he was able to explain that he was being 'ironic'.

- Read Vice magazine. Often. Know that you know nothing. Know that there's only two kinds of music: Electro-clash and 70's era punk bands that came out five years ago. Remember it's not Emo anymore... it's SMUG-ROCK (think of it as Cock Rock but without the balls!)

- Follow the helpful guide posted above to cultivate your own 'look' next time you go down to 97 Estoria or the Echo Lounge.


Thank you and please join us next week for chapter 13 - "Why that Indy Girl at the used record shop hates your guts!"

Comments

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha - thank you, this provided a nice uplift to a pretty crappily-stressful day - plus it was educational!

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Always a pleasure, sir!

[ltmurnau.livejournal.com]

And there I was, just a few years ago, wondering how I would look with a Dog Startler.

Looking forward to that hateful Indy Girl!

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Perhaps a 'chin loofah' then?

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Heh. triadruid has a dog startler. He'll be delighted to know.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I would imagine his would be called the 'Ollie Queen' actually:)

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

I expect he'd prefer that. He claimed yesterday to have never startled a dog in his life.

[efire360.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You succeeded in helping me smile today.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Glad I could help.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat and birthday woes. It's a big neighborhood though and there's lots of places he might have just gotten temporarily lost in and he just hasn't made it home yet.

For what it's worth i'll pray for the best and be around if you need me for the worse.