Relax Francis!

[jack_babalon]

The religious furore surrounding the new film The Golden Compass has moved to the US where Christian groups are again up in arms about the content of the dark fantasy which is released in America this Friday.


Okay, now i'm not what you'd call a bible scholar or nothing but from what little I do know about Santa-Jesus - the magical zombie carpenter - is that on the Big List of Cosmic Shit That Needs To Be Done Stat - having the faithful protest a kids movie has to rank pretty low (it's down there with guest starring on pieces of toast and returning Michael Landon's calls).

Still the Neo-Puritans of 1950's Land persist!

"Oh Santa-Jesus, please what can we do to help the wee little children so we make your kingdom a better place!"

"HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TURNING YOUR CHARITABLE INTENTIONS TOWARDS DARFUR, MY CHILDREN... OR PERHAPS ONE OF THE MANY NATIONS WHERE CHILDREN SUFFER FROM HUNGER AND POVERTY!"

"Yeahhhhhh, well um... we kinda meant White Anglo Saxon children there Santa Jesus!"

"VERY WELL... THERE ARE PLENTY OF SO CALLED "WHITE ANGLO SAXON" CHILDREN THAT SUFFER WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR OWN COUNTRY!"

"I know... but they're so ... I dunno what's the word?"

"IMPOVERISHED?"

"No... 'DIRTY'!"

"'DIRTY'!"

"You know what I mean... here's what i'll do though. I'll make sure that those children don't get exposed to any childrens books or movies that might offer the slightest hint of an opposing view of the Church! How does that sound?"

"BUT I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA... WHY WOULD I HAVE FEAR OF A SIMPLE CHILDRENS BOOK... AM I NOT YOUR LORD ALMIGHTY?"

"No, no of course you are... it's just that... well the Golden Compass could turn my child into a heathen, a liberal or worse... give him the Gay!"

"WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE?"

"I'm not listening!"

"PERHAPS YOUR FAITH IN ME WOULD BE BETTER SERVED IF YOU VOLUNTEERED TO FEED THE HUNGRY OR..."

"La-la-la-ban-The-Golden-Compass-La-la-la!"

"BUT THERE'S MORE TO BELIEVING IN ME THAN CONDEMNING THOSE WHO DO NOT!"

"La-la-la-HARRY POTTER's-the Devil!"

"YOU KNOW... FINE... DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO... BUT KNOW THAT MY SECOND COMING WILL BE IN THE FORM OF A MILITANT TRANSGENDER SOCIALIST WHO WILL COMMAND THE BEASTS OF THE EARTH TO GNAW YOUR BALLS OFF!"

"La-la-la-Santa-Jesus-hates-the-gays-but-loves-me!"

And so it goes.

Comments

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Piss, moan, repeat.
I tell you what, kiddies. I don't read your Tim LaHaye, you don't read my Phillip Pullman. I don't like the themes in yours, either.
You're just pissed because you don't have any armored bears in your stories. But you could get some. It would be okay. We would look the other way.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

See there's some guy from Madison Avenue talking to Pope Von Kraut right now...

"Palpatine... baby... what this whole church deal needs is an armored bear!"

"I prefer your excellency"

"And I prefer armored bears! How 'bout... how 'bout we throw in one who digs Jesus up when he's risen - we'll call him Bumblebum the Bear that loved Jesus?"

"Hmmm... I love it... gold bullions for you!"

"Yay!"

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

I'd vote for that. I think we ditch the whole riding to Jerusalem on an ass thing (even though it has spawned some memorable church marketing - "If Jesus Wanted Your Ass, Would You Give It To Him?") and replace it with a triumphant entry of the city on an armored bear. It's a much more vivid image, and you can really see the moneylenders being alarmed about the whole thing. I mean, really, some hippie guy rides in on a donkey he borrowed, big effing deal. Armored savior on armored bear, though? That's impressive.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Hippies on armored bears... now see if Warren Ellis wrote that you'd be a genius:)

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Naw. If Warren Ellis wrote that, *he'd* be a genius. I am a genius irrespective of Warren Ellis. :-P
(The fucked-up part of that is that based strictly on IQ, I am supposed to be a genius. This cracks me up any time I think of it.)

[entropic-om.livejournal.com]

My mom (who is currently going to university) asked me seriously why so many people were frightened and offended by a book (she was writing a paper - which turned out to be fabulous and close to 20 pages - about Harry Potter vs. the Bible - heh). Honestly, when your religion is based on a book (and here come the arguments, but quite seriously, it's based on a book) that means that books hold power. So of course you'd be afraid and offended at any other "power" that you think could undermine yours. Heh. I think our mistake was in teaching them to read in the first place. Just let their "preachers" tell them how it is.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

All that "no other gods before me" thing I suppose, which kinda gives the game away if you're hustling your deity as the only one.

Food for thought though:)

[entropic-om.livejournal.com]

"All that "no other gods before me" thing"

*sigh*

Too bad Jesus didn't see TV coming into the picture. Or, ahem, computers. Heh. That was one of the games we used to play in Anthro/sociology classes - what would people 1000 years from now think of our society from what we have in our houses? Somewhere out there is a great fake article on how "frisbees" were sacramental plates. Heh.

[daucus-carota.livejournal.com]

Jesus would be proud of me... I love the christians!











... with salt and a side of mayo.
xxx

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

But would Santa-Jesus be proud of you? He died on the cross you know, just so you could get presents each year!

[vanian.livejournal.com]

hellz yeah he did - now THAT's love eyetellyawot!