Our tax dollars at work

[jack_babalon]

This is a bit of a wish list. I mean if we're all going to have to cough up 700 billion dollars to reward greed and ineptitude, then here's a few things I would like in return (since getting our money paid back with some form of interest or within the parameters of some sort of timetable is apparently out of the question):

1- An Apology: Now no one actually expects these guys to utter anything as demeaning as a simple "I'm sorry" to those who are going to have to foot the bill on Wall Streets recent all you can eat 'free market buffet' ... anymore than I would expect an arsonist to apologize when I left them alone in a room with matches, a canister of gasoline and a DVD of 'The Towering Inferno' only to find the place burnt down when I returned. So here's what I propose instead: Any CEO who will benefit from the Big Bail Out will have to appear on national TV on prime time, where they will be met by a random taxpayer (chosen by lottery) and be promptly kicked in the balls repeatedly by said tax payer.

This won't help our current economic crisis by any means - but mannnnn, I'd sure feel better for a few minutes.

2- A new National Holiday: I don't care what you want to call it - "National We Got Screwed Day", "Dribble Down Economics Day" or even "Summer Christmas" - but it has to be a real holiday, that means everyone, not just the bankers and government officials, get to take the day off from work (none of this Arbor Day bullshit). This has to be a fully paid day off from the job. Look it's going to take a lot of work to get this shit paid off... and hell even medieval serf's got more days off than an American worker these days... so c'mon throw us a bone Uncle Sam... an extra day off won't kill us.

3- A hand job: Maybe it's the old sailor in me but when I spend a bunch of money to get fucked - I at least want to know I'm going to cum. Yes... "EWWWW" indeed. But think of it this way - at least now these assholes could say with a straight face that they created some kind of job in the last 8 years.

4- A Golden Safety Net: If CEO's can get a Golden Parachute for driving a company into the ground, why can't we have a Golden Safety Net for the tax payers who will have to pay out the ass to fund its recovery?

Just kidding - that would be 'Big Gum'nit'. We all know that it's not our governments job to go helping people just because they made some bad financial decisions don't we? It would be intrusive and contrary to what our founding fathers intended. Next thing you know our government would start regulating laws concerning our sexual behavior or start spying on us without warrants. No... I guess it's best we stick with the 'Lazy Faire' thing we got going on right now.

5- A Thank You Card: It doesn't have to say much, a simple 'Dear ____, Thanks for bailing us out so we didn't have to end our perpetual money orgy. You guys are great... keep up the good work. Yours truly - Wall Street'. Granted this would be of little help to us feeling the crunch but y'know... it's the thought that counts sometimes. Oh yeah, they're not real good at counting are they?

Alright. I'll shut my naive ass up now and get back to seeing if there's a single gallon of gas left in Metro Terminus.

Comments

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

http://www.williamgibsonbooks.com/blog/2008_09_01_archive.asp

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

I've seen this before - but I still get a laugh out of it. Thanks man:)

[weishaupt.livejournal.com]

They're making the last film
they say it's the best
And we all helped make it
It's called the Death of the West

the kids from Fame will all be there
Free cocacola for you!
And all the monkeys from the zoo
Will they be extras too?

They're making the last film
they say it's the best
And we all helped make it
It's called the Death of the West

A star is rising in our northern sky
And on it we're crucified
A chain of gold is wrapped around this world
We're ruled by those who lie

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

An excellent choice, sir. I've actually been listening to Rose clouds of Holocausts here lately.

[clevortrevor]

a very good list of demands. I am particularly excited to have this brand new holiday. If it turns into one of those big shopping weekends, just imagine the irony.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Thank you. As long as it's a "Drinking Holiday" I'll be alright.