Work, weather and Rapeceratops

[jack_babalon]

Well, it took three days to write but thanks to some much needed help the plot synopsis is finally done. As I write this my humble submission crouches like a deranged, b-list celebrity in the bushes of some poor literary agent's inbox. It's a strange beast to be sure, but with a little love and the slightest dash of kindness it can be tamed into a tuxedo-wearing gorilla with an ear for Chopin and a fondness for the waltzes of Vienna. Just look into those bloodshot eyes and see the slight curl of a smile it offers over a broken tusk of a tooth... it just wants to play really.

Meanwhile I've just gotten home and feel sufficently drained from the post-blitzkrieg weather strike that raged briefly over Terminus this evening. The humidity is now currently as such that Lovecraftian amphiphian-men walk our streets with impunity, flaring their necks gills defiantly at the gutter-punks of Little Five while scouring through the trash receptacles for discarded chocolate bar wrappers. It is a most distasteful sight to be sure and one worthy of the nightmares of Hieronymus Bosch I can assure you. So while I was planning on dropping some fiction down tonight, I am unfortunately way too fatiuged to attempt such an effort and instead will offer a brief list of sorts.

After being forced to sit through a marathon of bad Sci-Fi Channel original movies a few months ago I had decided to try my hand at coming up with some suitably dreadful films worthy of the company of a Rock Monster, Atomic Twister or Mansquito.

Here are some of my favorites so far.

Rapeceratops
Elevator Pitch - When a group of fashion models go on an archaelogy dig in the remote deserts of the Middle East they dig up more than old bones and the remains of a lost temple. They discover the remains of Rapeceratops - a mummified pigmy dinosaur that awakens after a centuries long slumber at the scent of fresh silicone in a state of prehistoric lust. Much hilarity and sexual shennigans ensue.

President Werewolf: Howl to the Chief
Elevator Pitch - Commander-in-Chief Charles "Big Chuck" Johnson, former Green Beret and Nobel Prize winner in the field of "Sciency-stuff" is taking a much deserved vacation at Camp David. One night, while inexplicably deer hunting... the PotUS is separated from his secret service detail and biten by a werewolf. President Johnson now most contend with a crippled US economy, a war on terrorism, low approval ratings, a visit from the Prime Minister of Englandshire, lycanthropy and the menace of Vampire Al-Qaeda - who attack the White House in an orgy of explosions and convoluted gun fights!

Carnyvore
Elevator Pitch - There's terror on the Midway when a cannibal serial killer stalks the clowns, strong men, lion tamers and bearded-ladies of the Full Moon Traveling Carnival. Now the only hope homocide detective Veronica Dash has of stopping this blood thirsty fiend's rampage is to go undercover in the carnival as a topless snake charmer. But will she be able to stop the killer before it strikes again or will she instead become the latest victim of... the CARNYVORE?

Apocageddon Day!!!
Elevator Pitch - A city sized meteorite laced with traces of a radioactive airborne strain of Herpes hurtles towards the earth threatening to wipe out all life on the planet... which is currently at the brink of nuclear war while being ravaged by a series of global warming induced natural disasters. Then, without warning the Rapture begins. Can anyone survive... Apocageddon Day?

The Amazons of Breastonia
Elevator Pitch - When astronaut Major Donovan Priapus accidentally flies through a worm hole on a routine Lunar Reconnaissance Mission, he finds himself flung millions upon millions of light years away to a planet ruled by fierce amazons (who all conveniently speak English) known as Breastonia. He is soon captured by the natives, stripped down and sold into slavery to fight as a gladiator in Breastonia's vast Tantric-Arenas. Hopefully I'll be able to get Bruce Campbell.

Who knows? If the novel doesn't pan out maybe I'll have a future at the future SyFy network? For now though I can only dream of the cinematic tour-de-force that would be Rapeceratops or Apocageddon Day!!!.

Comments

[ammutbite.livejournal.com]

apparently, every one of your ideas is too good to even be considered for a site that specilizes in making money from the worst over the top exploitation horror/shlock

http://nicheclips.com/index2.php

take pride in how good the silliest throwaway gags you have look next to top sellers like NECRO RETARD

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Followed the link and have been sufficently creeped out. Lots of 'crush' stuff and such. Couldn't find 'Necro Retard' though (why not the more terse sounding 'Necrotard'?)... I'm hoping Gary Busey stars.

[catwalk.livejournal.com]

i would make the time to watch 'carnyvore' and 'howl to the chief'...

... as long as you never, ever cast lou diamond philips.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Well as the hypothetical screenwriter I wouldn't be able to cast anyone really. Though if I had a say in it 'Howl to the Chief' would star Chuck Norris while the Midway Killer in 'Carnyvore' would have to be Crispin Glover (who I thought would make a great Bat Man villain... not playing a Bat-Man villain mind you... but actually being one:))

Poor Lou Diamond Philips... he was great in La Bamba and Young Guns ("We're in the spirit world, Chavez").

[hellblazer.livejournal.com]

I seriously think you could sell 'Carnyvore' based on the title alone. Fucking =genius=.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Aw thanks man. Maybe I'll write up a treatment and submit it to SyFy some day:)

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Would LOL again.

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

You should see the five that didn't make the list.

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

Ha, awesome -- I'd also be down for anything involving werewolves landing on the moon. HOW WOULD THIS EVEN WORK?

~rl

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Well may I recommend for your future reading pleasure, none other than Werewolves on the Moon: Versus Vampires (http://apps.facebook.com/comicbooks/titles/werewolves-on-moon-versus-vampires-2009). Here's the cover for #1 -

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

OMG!

Prayers = answered.

Though why this prayer and not some of the other ones, I'm not sure....

~rl

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Your Lord works in mysterious ways, my friend!

[vomikronnoxis.livejournal.com]

By the way:

http://www.boxylucha.com/images/morfeoshow/portadas_865-5930/big/portada923.jpg

[jackbabalon23.livejournal.com]

Excellent... who knew Bob Dobbs was a Luchadore?