Pray for rain
Sep. 22nd, 2009 02:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalonWhistling a happy melody of Vienna waltzes and saturday morning cartoon themes, I tilt the step ladder against the side of the roof. A few of the neighbors assessing the extensive water damage their lawns have taken since last night's downpour stare at me with alarmed disbelief. This is understandable. I am wearing a silver football helmet mounted with three distinctly noticable bullhorns along its shell after all. Along with my rubber overalls and mud crusted goolashes there is little doubt that I am quite the sight. I pause half way up the ladder to give my audience a reassuring wave before continuing on my way.
A scramble up over the living room, a hoist over the gutters and I stroll up to the chimney. I ativate the central mic connected to the helmet's grill. Static fizzle followed by an ear piercing squelch - "Testing, testing, one, two, three, four." My voice booms and squawks down the block in victory. Before continuing on I glance down at the neighbors who have now gathered along the edge of the house's property (the last petals of the rose bushes floating down the drive way drain, puddles of red clay drowning the grass shag carpet).
"It's okay, everyone... I've done this before!" the amplified words shriek out of the helmet. The crowd gives off a collective groan along with the signal for 'hear no evil'. Satisfied, I turn towards the whorling black clouds approaching with a herald of lightning. An advance scout of a rain drop splatters against the lens of my goggles. I lick my finger to find which way the wind is blowing (it's true... you don't have to be a weatherman). In return a howling gust whips through the bank of trees before me, rolls up the roof and strikes with a force that almost hurls me into the air. I hold my ground.
"Earth calling, Jehovah!" I yell out, "Come in, Jehovah... do you copy?"
The sky rumbles and the house quakes beneath my feet - I take that as an affirmative.
"Alright, I know you can hear me... so what's up with all the rain? Someone need to build an Ark here or what?"
The advancing tempest gives pause. A canopy of battleship gray erupts with a chorus of thunder. The cloud banks spin themselves into a series of concentric spirals, drilling perpetually both clock and counter clock wise. From within the nexus of this phenomenon a countenance is formed. A vast face, chiseled with storm and rock, emerges over Doraville. Yellow eyes ignite into being over Pleasantdale Road.
"I... have been summoned!" the voice moves with the sway of leaves, with a sudden burst of birds and the trembling of heart to hear it. Behind me I can hear the crowd praying nervously and genuflecting into the puddles. I remain unimpressed.
"'Summoned'? By who?" I shout back, the helmet's blare the din of a fly against the crashing waves of Jehovah's answer.
"Why by your tribe's chieftan of course! The one you call Sonny Perdue, who having gathered upon the steps of your city's capital a worthy demostration of the faithful and the fearful, called upon me as the flock calls upon the shepard, to deliver these lands from the blight of drought that ravage it."
"But..." I stammer in thought's calculation, "but that was back in October 2007 wasn't it?"
"November!" Jehovah corrects, the voice divine vaguely reminiscent of a Disney haunted House ghost once you get used to it.
"Still, that was like... I dunno, two years ago or something."
"Yes, your point being?" the massive faith funded special effect furrows its brows at me in annoyance.
"Well, why the rush there Big Guy?" adding quickly, "And none of that 'mysterious ways' crap this time, either!"
The sky ripples with a peel and flash of celestial artilery. Jehovah's fury ignites the heavens into a deafening inferno. His response echos in the soul and trembles the bone -
"You know, has it ever occured to you people that I might be busy? That I might have a life of my own? What, you think I sit around all day, just waiting for someone to call me up with a problem to fix... like some giant, invisible super-plumber? It was on the List, okay? I'm here now... and I brought the damn rain, as per our agreement!"
"Oh, well uh..." I mutter, the squeal of the helmet almost timid.
"You don't like it change the weather yourselves... in the meantime the forecast calls for... oh, I don't know... RAIN!!!"
And with that the face vanishes behind an almost solid veil of downpour, mixed just slightly with a pinch of frog to give it that miracle-y sort of feel for good measure.
Slowly I make my way down off the roof. The happy melody reduced to a tired hum.
"All right folks, shows over. Nothing to see here!" I squelch to the crowd, who rise uncertainly off their knees and stare at one another, quietly sharing the same assessment -
'Wow! God's kind of a dick actually!"
A scramble up over the living room, a hoist over the gutters and I stroll up to the chimney. I ativate the central mic connected to the helmet's grill. Static fizzle followed by an ear piercing squelch - "Testing, testing, one, two, three, four." My voice booms and squawks down the block in victory. Before continuing on I glance down at the neighbors who have now gathered along the edge of the house's property (the last petals of the rose bushes floating down the drive way drain, puddles of red clay drowning the grass shag carpet).
"It's okay, everyone... I've done this before!" the amplified words shriek out of the helmet. The crowd gives off a collective groan along with the signal for 'hear no evil'. Satisfied, I turn towards the whorling black clouds approaching with a herald of lightning. An advance scout of a rain drop splatters against the lens of my goggles. I lick my finger to find which way the wind is blowing (it's true... you don't have to be a weatherman). In return a howling gust whips through the bank of trees before me, rolls up the roof and strikes with a force that almost hurls me into the air. I hold my ground.
"Earth calling, Jehovah!" I yell out, "Come in, Jehovah... do you copy?"
The sky rumbles and the house quakes beneath my feet - I take that as an affirmative.
"Alright, I know you can hear me... so what's up with all the rain? Someone need to build an Ark here or what?"
The advancing tempest gives pause. A canopy of battleship gray erupts with a chorus of thunder. The cloud banks spin themselves into a series of concentric spirals, drilling perpetually both clock and counter clock wise. From within the nexus of this phenomenon a countenance is formed. A vast face, chiseled with storm and rock, emerges over Doraville. Yellow eyes ignite into being over Pleasantdale Road.
"I... have been summoned!" the voice moves with the sway of leaves, with a sudden burst of birds and the trembling of heart to hear it. Behind me I can hear the crowd praying nervously and genuflecting into the puddles. I remain unimpressed.
"'Summoned'? By who?" I shout back, the helmet's blare the din of a fly against the crashing waves of Jehovah's answer.
"Why by your tribe's chieftan of course! The one you call Sonny Perdue, who having gathered upon the steps of your city's capital a worthy demostration of the faithful and the fearful, called upon me as the flock calls upon the shepard, to deliver these lands from the blight of drought that ravage it."
"But..." I stammer in thought's calculation, "but that was back in October 2007 wasn't it?"
"November!" Jehovah corrects, the voice divine vaguely reminiscent of a Disney haunted House ghost once you get used to it.
"Still, that was like... I dunno, two years ago or something."
"Yes, your point being?" the massive faith funded special effect furrows its brows at me in annoyance.
"Well, why the rush there Big Guy?" adding quickly, "And none of that 'mysterious ways' crap this time, either!"
The sky ripples with a peel and flash of celestial artilery. Jehovah's fury ignites the heavens into a deafening inferno. His response echos in the soul and trembles the bone -
"You know, has it ever occured to you people that I might be busy? That I might have a life of my own? What, you think I sit around all day, just waiting for someone to call me up with a problem to fix... like some giant, invisible super-plumber? It was on the List, okay? I'm here now... and I brought the damn rain, as per our agreement!"
"Oh, well uh..." I mutter, the squeal of the helmet almost timid.
"You don't like it change the weather yourselves... in the meantime the forecast calls for... oh, I don't know... RAIN!!!"
And with that the face vanishes behind an almost solid veil of downpour, mixed just slightly with a pinch of frog to give it that miracle-y sort of feel for good measure.
Slowly I make my way down off the roof. The happy melody reduced to a tired hum.
"All right folks, shows over. Nothing to see here!" I squelch to the crowd, who rise uncertainly off their knees and stare at one another, quietly sharing the same assessment -
'Wow! God's kind of a dick actually!"
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no subject
on 2009-09-22 01:22 pm (UTC)heehee! this made me happy :-)
no subject
on 2009-09-23 04:33 am (UTC)I had forgotten all about that blog. I'll have to look it up soon.
no subject
on 2009-09-22 06:22 pm (UTC)also -- saw this and I thought of you:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3203216
no subject
on 2009-09-23 04:31 am (UTC)Glad you dug the story.