jack_babalon | Don't Panic: The Homophobe's Guide to Surviving the Recent Prop 8 Ruling!!!

Muh friends, it is my deepest regret to inform you that those fetus-slurping, flag-burning left-wing activist judges in 'Sin Francisco' are hard at work once again to turn your child into an Islamofascisexual!

While I normally wouldn't sully my god-fearin' eyes by readifying me a newspaper (what we call here in Lynchum County the 'Devil's Toilet Paper')... but recently I heard tell of some ruling or another on the Left Coast that will make legalized the marrification of homersexuals across this once great land of ours!

Now of course that's not how those pink-o reds are spinnin' it in the media. They'll tell you that - "Proposition 8 (a 2008 ballot initiative in California stipulating that 'only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California') had been deemed as unconstitutional by 9th circuit judge Vaughn Walker who ruled Prop 8 was 'unconstitutional under both the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the U.S. Constitution.'"

Like most in the Liberal Spin Zone, they'll go on an' on 'bout how it should make no difference what two consentin' adults do in the privacy of their own home.

Well I for one say - 'Poppycock!'

Here's what they don't want you to know about the recent striking down of Prop 8:

- That all said marriages will be conducted by the Church of Satan and officiated by their High Priestess, Nancy Pelosi, in one them fancy Mega Synamosques they got over there.

- That all christian straight men of a marryin' age will be rounded up by the California National Guard and shipped to 'Gay-centration Camps' where they will be indoctrinated into an al-ter-native lifestyle by the use of subliminal show tunes and involuntary fashion make overs.

- That the marrification of men and beasts will also be sanctified. Now muh friends, like a lot of you, I've indulged in a little summertime hanky-panky with a beloved sheep, chicken or barnyard hussy. Sure, we've all heard the 'call o' the wild' from time to time - but I would remind you that one, those were straight sheep and chickens and two, I wasn't plannin' on marryin' ol' Betsy the next mornin'!

- That them Californicators would ban the airing of all Nascar races, NFL play offs and WWF matches and replace them with reruns of 'Ru Paul's Drag Race.'

- That the National Anthem would be replaced by Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance'.

So what can you do before the New World Order comes a duck-steppin' down Main Street and rounding up honest, gay fearin' Americans?

1. Make plenty sure that your local 'Gay Out Shelter' is fully stocked with plenty of pork rinds, beer and ammo.

2. Read your Bible a plenty. If you can't read then a 'Bible on Tape' will be provided for you.

3. Avoid instruments of the satanic homersexual agenda such as pop music, reality shows and vaccination shots.

4. Ask yerself regularly - WWGBD? or What Would Glenn Beck Do? Usually it involves a lot of chalkboards, shoutin' and cryin'... but you'll get the hang of it.

5. Everyday makes sure at least one item of clothing you wear has Old Glory on it! The power of the Red, White and Blue will 'noculate you 'gainst the sweet, sweet temptation of bein' sodomized by drunken sailors and interior designers over mohitos! For those of you don't know the meanin' of 'sodomized' please come see me in private after readin' this here blog fer a personal demonstration!

6. Regularly vote against your economic self-interests to ensure that Gay Marriage remains extra-extra-extra illegal even if it already is in your state. Job creation and the rest will sort itself out once Jesus sees that the gays have been driven back into the closets!

7. Rename as many monuments, highways, airports and libraries (whatever those are) after Saint Ronald Reagan. In fact, if possible, change your own name to Ronald Reagan. Liberals shriek at the name the way a vampire shrieks at the cross!

8. Remember that science is the Devil's Gateway Drug to a Homersexual Lifestyle. Banning and burnin' all books on Evilution, Physics, Mathematics and Harry Potter in your town is just the first step to a healthy community.

Muh friends, with a ~~black~~, er... Islamic president in the White House, our precious way of life has never before faced such grave peril. The overturnin' of Prop 8 is just but one more step towards the heathenication of the American Way! But, Fox News willing, there is still time for us to unify together the way our forefathers did when Jesus wrote the Constitution all those centuries ago in order to declare independence from Englandshire back in World War Two.

So be brave Nascar Dads and Grizzly Moms, a great and terrible shadow of tolerance has fallen across our land... but so long as we have the Right to Bear Arms and the equally fundamental Right to Bare Ignorance, we can (and shall) prevail!