Razorblade Phrenology
Jan. 6th, 2011 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalonThe Way of the Shaved Head is not for everyone, and rare is the man blessed with the necessary phrenological qualities to pull the look off with a modicum of aplomb. However, it has become socially acceptable nowadays for men of all stations, forced by thinning hairlines and male pattern baldness, to engage in what is popularly referred to as the “Nuclear Option” – full on follicle eradication above the eyebrows. It is to these new recruits joining the ranks of the “Brave and the Bald”, (along with any of the ‘Scalp Curious’ who might be reading along), that I wish to address now.
Know that once you shave your head you have embarked on a lifetime commitment. There is no going back. In fact your next move should be burning every hat and/or wig currently located in your domicile. This is an important ritual to any initiate and whether the hats are yours or not is of absolute no consequence. The cold reflection of their flames dancing in your eyes will help strengthen your resolve. For from this moment on you have just volunteered to become a human Chia Pet.
Within mere hours of your first shave, the first shoots of stubble will emerge through the razor burnt earth and, if proper scalp maintenance is not observed, will in a week’s time begin to grow recklessly, gradually betraying the secret of your receding hairline to all the world.
Here then is the “Gentleman’s Guide to Razorblade Phrenology”, providing a chronological index of various stages of hair growth since initial shave and their correspondences.
Hours 1 - 6: “The Mad Scientist.” For when you want to tell the world that you think big, and mainly about taking it over with your legions of nano-viruses and robo-monkeys. At this stage, telepathic output is effectively tripled and with little effort simple acts of mind control can be achieved.
Examples: Lex Luthor, Professor X, Grant Morrison.
Hours 7- Day 2: “The Five O’clock Shadow.” Whether sporting a look that just screams ‘Recreational Buddhist’ or getting used to that first shell-shock morning of boot camp, the Five O’clock Shadow proudly displays a single mindedness to ‘The Life’.
Examples: Aleister Crowley, the Dali Lama, Montel Williams.
Day 3 – 5: “The Astronaut.” This is the preferred stage for full time black ops specialists, henchmen, rogue cops and the aging celebrities who often portray them. At this level you will be precisely 48% more prone to engaging in random ‘chase scenes’ and 62% likely to be ordered to turn in your Badge and your Gun afterwards.
Examples: Jason Stratham, Bruce Willis, Ving Rhames.
Day 6 – 9: “The Fear & Loathing.” Recommended for spelunking in Bat Country, hustling the Muse along the Tropic of Cancer or pounding away dispatches from the depths of Interzone. The preferred stage of the rugged Dionysian and the feral man of words. Still, no substitute for actual talent.
Examples: Hunter S Thompson, William S Burroughs, Henry Miller.
Day 10 -13: “The Captain.” Austere, commanding, noble. Works best with gray to white hair to give the appearance of a world-weary war chieftain. Warning: This is the last level of acceptable baldness before open ridicule is induced by the open public.
Examples: Jean-Luc Picard.
Day 14 – 21:”The Schnook.” At this stage you’ve signaled to the world a lack of interest in pursuing sexual relationships and a willingness to debate your favorite run on the X-Men regardless of the social setting you find yourself in. During this level your ability to navigate bureaucratic labyrinths of paperwork is significantly increased, as is your propensity to having college athletes bellow – “Nerd!”
Examples: George Costanza.
Day 22 – 28: “The Absent Minded Professor.” Who’s got time to mess with a razor when you’re this close to solving the Riddle of the Winking Skull or getting that last flux capacitor installed into the tachyon engine? Often accompanied by a grandfatherly beard and a lack of social skills that disarm those who would otherwise be intimidated by their intelligence. It’s a great way to say “Hey, I just don’t give a shit anymore since I discovered the secrets to time travel.”
Examples: Doc Zardov, Warren Ellis.
Day 29 - ?: “The Aging Castaway”. At this stage, the zombie apocalypse or having reached the 20th anniversary of being shipwrecked, should spare you from any feelings of social awkwardness.
Example: Rip Van Winkle.
Know that once you shave your head you have embarked on a lifetime commitment. There is no going back. In fact your next move should be burning every hat and/or wig currently located in your domicile. This is an important ritual to any initiate and whether the hats are yours or not is of absolute no consequence. The cold reflection of their flames dancing in your eyes will help strengthen your resolve. For from this moment on you have just volunteered to become a human Chia Pet.
Within mere hours of your first shave, the first shoots of stubble will emerge through the razor burnt earth and, if proper scalp maintenance is not observed, will in a week’s time begin to grow recklessly, gradually betraying the secret of your receding hairline to all the world.
Here then is the “Gentleman’s Guide to Razorblade Phrenology”, providing a chronological index of various stages of hair growth since initial shave and their correspondences.
Hours 1 - 6: “The Mad Scientist.” For when you want to tell the world that you think big, and mainly about taking it over with your legions of nano-viruses and robo-monkeys. At this stage, telepathic output is effectively tripled and with little effort simple acts of mind control can be achieved.
Examples: Lex Luthor, Professor X, Grant Morrison.
Hours 7- Day 2: “The Five O’clock Shadow.” Whether sporting a look that just screams ‘Recreational Buddhist’ or getting used to that first shell-shock morning of boot camp, the Five O’clock Shadow proudly displays a single mindedness to ‘The Life’.
Examples: Aleister Crowley, the Dali Lama, Montel Williams.
Day 3 – 5: “The Astronaut.” This is the preferred stage for full time black ops specialists, henchmen, rogue cops and the aging celebrities who often portray them. At this level you will be precisely 48% more prone to engaging in random ‘chase scenes’ and 62% likely to be ordered to turn in your Badge and your Gun afterwards.
Examples: Jason Stratham, Bruce Willis, Ving Rhames.
Day 6 – 9: “The Fear & Loathing.” Recommended for spelunking in Bat Country, hustling the Muse along the Tropic of Cancer or pounding away dispatches from the depths of Interzone. The preferred stage of the rugged Dionysian and the feral man of words. Still, no substitute for actual talent.
Examples: Hunter S Thompson, William S Burroughs, Henry Miller.
Day 10 -13: “The Captain.” Austere, commanding, noble. Works best with gray to white hair to give the appearance of a world-weary war chieftain. Warning: This is the last level of acceptable baldness before open ridicule is induced by the open public.
Examples: Jean-Luc Picard.
Day 14 – 21:”The Schnook.” At this stage you’ve signaled to the world a lack of interest in pursuing sexual relationships and a willingness to debate your favorite run on the X-Men regardless of the social setting you find yourself in. During this level your ability to navigate bureaucratic labyrinths of paperwork is significantly increased, as is your propensity to having college athletes bellow – “Nerd!”
Examples: George Costanza.
Day 22 – 28: “The Absent Minded Professor.” Who’s got time to mess with a razor when you’re this close to solving the Riddle of the Winking Skull or getting that last flux capacitor installed into the tachyon engine? Often accompanied by a grandfatherly beard and a lack of social skills that disarm those who would otherwise be intimidated by their intelligence. It’s a great way to say “Hey, I just don’t give a shit anymore since I discovered the secrets to time travel.”
Examples: Doc Zardov, Warren Ellis.
Day 29 - ?: “The Aging Castaway”. At this stage, the zombie apocalypse or having reached the 20th anniversary of being shipwrecked, should spare you from any feelings of social awkwardness.
Example: Rip Van Winkle.