Get Ready for the Play of the Day!

[jack_babalon]

Hello, imaginary internet personality, Jack Babalon here and I, like millions of other Americans, suffer from a tragic lack of interest in American Football.

Every year we, the Gridiron Challenged, watch in bafflement as our fellow Americans are swept up in a ritualistic feeding frenzy over what appears to be a convoluted form of mock combat being waged between two rival tribes of steroid induced millionaires. We struggle to comprehend how an hour long game can seemingly last for four hours, why the ‘ball’ is egg shaped and how ramming your head into the television screen repeatedly by hour three isn’t more of a nationwide epidemic. Quietly we do our best to imagine just what the hell a ‘Packer’ is, even as our friends or loved ones patiently explain that it does not in fact involve anything homoerotic.

Now of course we realize that this staggering boredom with which we, the NFLess, view our National Spectacle, basically labels us as effete snobs who would rather be watching an interpretative dance version of the works of Beckett while a German midget recites the poetry of Rilke (and though that does sound simply divine… to most of us that’s somewhere closer to the neighborhood of, oh say a Tuesday night), but beyond such minor differences, we’re not really so different from you. We understand your frustration and we apologize if our disinterested glaze when you talk about the ‘Play of the Day’ makes you feel, perhaps as an astronaut would, while explaining that the Moon isn’t in fact an angry face that watches you at night to a mentally handicapped Neanderthal.

Trust us, we’ve been there.

So this year, please, won’t you make a difference… accept our vague congratulations or our lackadaisical shrug of pity when you tell us whether or not your team beat the spread.

Thank you, and here's wishg you all a safe and merry All-American Superbowlmas!