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jack_babalon1 – William Henry Harrison served the shortest term of any American President. This was primarily due to a powerful curse that had been placed on him by the Shawnee Indian leader Tecumseh, after the two men had met at the Wabash River in 1810 for an arm wrestling contest to determine the validity of the Fort Wayne Treaty. The curse compelled Harrison, against his will, to many years later deliver the longest inaugural speech in American history. In a torrential downpour. Without a coat or a hat. With all umbrellas in a five hundred yard radius of the inauguration ordered to be destroyed on sight. In fact by hour seventeen of the speech, with the storm having grown into a full monsoon, Harrison had stripped himself down to only his socks before he was forcibly removed from the podium, still shouting incoherently, by his fellow Whig and friend, Daniel Webster. The inevitable pneumonia that befell the President was treated with opium, castor oil, leeches and snakeweed. Which might explain such controversial acts issued by the President such as ordering a special meeting of Congress to reenact random scenes from the Book of Genesis and his subsequent order to make Vice President John Tyler dress as a Shawnee Indian while the bed ridden Commander in Chief would take potshots at him with a blunderbuss.
2 – Zachary Taylor was assassinated by Freemasons on July 4th, 1850 using a ground breaking ceremony for the Washington Monument to slip the president a pitcher of sour milk to drink and a bowl of poisoned cherries. The exact reasons for this assassination are cloaked in the secrecy of the Grand Lodge but scholars generally agree that they must have to do with Taylor’s use of Adam Weishaupt’s “Clockwork UFO”, the Thing that lives beneath the Washington Monument and the androgynous goat headed deity Baphomet. To this day it is considered taboo for a President to eat cherries while drinking milk on the 4th of July. That or to piss off the Freemasons in general.
3- In 1923, President Warren G. Harding called the Second Radio Conference under the pretext of regulating the radio industry. This conference, headed by future President and famous vacuum cleaner inventor, Herbert Hoover managed to successfully banned the use of using commercial radio waves to contact the dead, ‘mind control’ and for the remote operation of mechanical steel men. Later Harding himself would be killed in office by a rampaging mechanical steel man which was covered up in the Teapot Dome Scandal… so named after the secret robot lab in Wyoming Harding had ordered built shortly after the 2nd Radio Conference.
4- A brief list of some of the amazing wildlife killed by the 26th POTUS, Theodore Roosevelt: The Angolan Burrowing Squid. Sasquatch (with his bare hands), the Mongolian Howler Weasel, a robot velociraptor sent from the future to kill him, seven shoggoths during an expedition to the Mountains of Madness, a doppelganger that had assumed the shape of Secretary of State Elihu Root, three Narwhales, several feral 'Irishmen' while serving as Chief of Police in New York, a rabid ‘Teddy Bear’ and, while on Safari in the Hollow Earth, a tribe of subterranean Deros.
5- The Amazing Wheelchair of Franklin Delano Roosevelt remains a mechanical wonder to even this day. Designed by the equally amazing bottled Brain of Nikola Tesla (a White House treasure until it was mysteriously ‘lost’ sometime during the Reagan Administration) and was outfitted with an array of fantastic gadgetry. A rocket propelled turbo engine, an electromagnetic hover platform allowing the President to fly for short distances, a flame thrower built into his right hand arm rest, a Tesla patented ‘Death Ray’ embedded in the left one, a two way radio for contacting Men In Black and a cloaking mode that would render the Wheel chair and its inhabitant invisible for 47 minutes. It can currently be found on display at the Smithsonian’s Exhibit of Presidential Combat Weaponry including the mechanical wooden fangs George Washington used in hand to hand combat with the British, Abraham Lincoln’s Steam Powered Armored Suit and the Hypno-Goggles of Richard M. Nixon.
6- What was the secret message 37th President Lyndon B Johnson gave to the astronauts of the Apollo 8 mission? Did it have anything to do with the reporting of mysterious lights from the Far Side of the Moon by mission commander Frank Boorman or the frenzied screams of lunar module pilot William Anders? Was this why the President tried to have the moon ‘nuked’ and began openly talking to the ghost of John F Kennedy while drinking? One day the Freedom of Information Act will allow the American People to know what really happened on the 24th of December, 1968 and why we have been secretly at the war with the Moon since.
7 – President’s Day was originally celebrated by an annual summoning of ten randomly selected Americans, drawn at lottery, to arrive at the White House where they would line up to deliver the Ritual Kicking of the President in the Arse. This was a tradition that began on George Washington’s birthday, where the first President, with great humor, would allow random passer-bys on the street to give him a good kick in the arse. Washington believed that this experience gave him the proper humility in order to do his job and in 1880 Congress made ‘President’s Day’ an official Federal Holiday, so members of the government could take off to watch the President getting ‘a summary reminding from the Good People of the United States who was actually in charge.’ The tradition however stopped during the presidency of Herbert Hoover when thousands of disgruntled World War One vets camped outside the White House demanding a chance to get their ‘Kick’ in.
2 – Zachary Taylor was assassinated by Freemasons on July 4th, 1850 using a ground breaking ceremony for the Washington Monument to slip the president a pitcher of sour milk to drink and a bowl of poisoned cherries. The exact reasons for this assassination are cloaked in the secrecy of the Grand Lodge but scholars generally agree that they must have to do with Taylor’s use of Adam Weishaupt’s “Clockwork UFO”, the Thing that lives beneath the Washington Monument and the androgynous goat headed deity Baphomet. To this day it is considered taboo for a President to eat cherries while drinking milk on the 4th of July. That or to piss off the Freemasons in general.
3- In 1923, President Warren G. Harding called the Second Radio Conference under the pretext of regulating the radio industry. This conference, headed by future President and famous vacuum cleaner inventor, Herbert Hoover managed to successfully banned the use of using commercial radio waves to contact the dead, ‘mind control’ and for the remote operation of mechanical steel men. Later Harding himself would be killed in office by a rampaging mechanical steel man which was covered up in the Teapot Dome Scandal… so named after the secret robot lab in Wyoming Harding had ordered built shortly after the 2nd Radio Conference.
4- A brief list of some of the amazing wildlife killed by the 26th POTUS, Theodore Roosevelt: The Angolan Burrowing Squid. Sasquatch (with his bare hands), the Mongolian Howler Weasel, a robot velociraptor sent from the future to kill him, seven shoggoths during an expedition to the Mountains of Madness, a doppelganger that had assumed the shape of Secretary of State Elihu Root, three Narwhales, several feral 'Irishmen' while serving as Chief of Police in New York, a rabid ‘Teddy Bear’ and, while on Safari in the Hollow Earth, a tribe of subterranean Deros.
5- The Amazing Wheelchair of Franklin Delano Roosevelt remains a mechanical wonder to even this day. Designed by the equally amazing bottled Brain of Nikola Tesla (a White House treasure until it was mysteriously ‘lost’ sometime during the Reagan Administration) and was outfitted with an array of fantastic gadgetry. A rocket propelled turbo engine, an electromagnetic hover platform allowing the President to fly for short distances, a flame thrower built into his right hand arm rest, a Tesla patented ‘Death Ray’ embedded in the left one, a two way radio for contacting Men In Black and a cloaking mode that would render the Wheel chair and its inhabitant invisible for 47 minutes. It can currently be found on display at the Smithsonian’s Exhibit of Presidential Combat Weaponry including the mechanical wooden fangs George Washington used in hand to hand combat with the British, Abraham Lincoln’s Steam Powered Armored Suit and the Hypno-Goggles of Richard M. Nixon.
6- What was the secret message 37th President Lyndon B Johnson gave to the astronauts of the Apollo 8 mission? Did it have anything to do with the reporting of mysterious lights from the Far Side of the Moon by mission commander Frank Boorman or the frenzied screams of lunar module pilot William Anders? Was this why the President tried to have the moon ‘nuked’ and began openly talking to the ghost of John F Kennedy while drinking? One day the Freedom of Information Act will allow the American People to know what really happened on the 24th of December, 1968 and why we have been secretly at the war with the Moon since.
7 – President’s Day was originally celebrated by an annual summoning of ten randomly selected Americans, drawn at lottery, to arrive at the White House where they would line up to deliver the Ritual Kicking of the President in the Arse. This was a tradition that began on George Washington’s birthday, where the first President, with great humor, would allow random passer-bys on the street to give him a good kick in the arse. Washington believed that this experience gave him the proper humility in order to do his job and in 1880 Congress made ‘President’s Day’ an official Federal Holiday, so members of the government could take off to watch the President getting ‘a summary reminding from the Good People of the United States who was actually in charge.’ The tradition however stopped during the presidency of Herbert Hoover when thousands of disgruntled World War One vets camped outside the White House demanding a chance to get their ‘Kick’ in.