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jack_babalonWell, if what I saw of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards is any indication of what Hollywood might be like, then I think I know why Charlie Sheen needs to get as fucked-up as he does. Seriously, I’ve Djed orgies that didn’t have that much jerking of the each other off. Now while I think we can all appreciate that the Oscars are basically the Super Bowl for Theater Geeks and Film Freaks, something needs to be done because somehow a simple awards ceremony has turned into the People Magazine equivalent of waiting on line at the DMV. So with that in mind, members of the esteemed Academy, I humbly present a few suggestions.
1) New Category: Best Picture People Have Actually Seen.
2) Start playing the ‘wrap it up’ music when the presenters opening routine is starting to bomb.
3) Best Director will actually go to two nominees who will then immediately have to arm wrestle for it. Loser has to then wrestle Gary Busey right there or put him in his/her next movie.
4) New Category: Best Grip- “Hey, I’d like to thank Big Vinny for getting me this gig and yo, Helen Mirren, after-party in my trailer tonight yer majesty…”
5) Has anyone ever walked out of a movie and said – “Damn, that was some really good sound editing!” No? Then can we agree to shit-can that particular award segment and get the show rolling?
6) Best Supporting Actress and Actor now a massive last man standing fist fight.
7) In addition to the In Memoriam segment of the show add a new one highlighting people in the film industry we wish would die. Also include a brief segment about people we can’t believe are still alive somehow.
8) New Category: Best Performance by an Inanimate Object – “And the winner is Sylvester Stallone for The Expendables!”
9) Exhume dead celebrities to host the Oscars. After all Bob Hope’s ghost had the most charm of any of the presenters this year. Imagine how much funnier a Zombie Bob Hope would be.
10) As William S Burroughs once said: “Be just and if you can’t be just be arbitrary.” Therefore, to make things interesting, I propose a random movie is selected off the IMDB for that year and is made the winner. This way a SyFy original film has about the same chance as that Best Foreign Language film you keep swearing you’ll watch but never do… even though you downloaded it. Imagine the upset if the Best Picture went to a porn instead of the Kings Speech. “And the winner is the Black Swan.”
Alright, these are only a few suggestions and I’d love to hear if you have more…
1) New Category: Best Picture People Have Actually Seen.
2) Start playing the ‘wrap it up’ music when the presenters opening routine is starting to bomb.
3) Best Director will actually go to two nominees who will then immediately have to arm wrestle for it. Loser has to then wrestle Gary Busey right there or put him in his/her next movie.
4) New Category: Best Grip- “Hey, I’d like to thank Big Vinny for getting me this gig and yo, Helen Mirren, after-party in my trailer tonight yer majesty…”
5) Has anyone ever walked out of a movie and said – “Damn, that was some really good sound editing!” No? Then can we agree to shit-can that particular award segment and get the show rolling?
6) Best Supporting Actress and Actor now a massive last man standing fist fight.
7) In addition to the In Memoriam segment of the show add a new one highlighting people in the film industry we wish would die. Also include a brief segment about people we can’t believe are still alive somehow.
8) New Category: Best Performance by an Inanimate Object – “And the winner is Sylvester Stallone for The Expendables!”
9) Exhume dead celebrities to host the Oscars. After all Bob Hope’s ghost had the most charm of any of the presenters this year. Imagine how much funnier a Zombie Bob Hope would be.
10) As William S Burroughs once said: “Be just and if you can’t be just be arbitrary.” Therefore, to make things interesting, I propose a random movie is selected off the IMDB for that year and is made the winner. This way a SyFy original film has about the same chance as that Best Foreign Language film you keep swearing you’ll watch but never do… even though you downloaded it. Imagine the upset if the Best Picture went to a porn instead of the Kings Speech. “And the winner is the Black Swan.”
Alright, these are only a few suggestions and I’d love to hear if you have more…