Jack Chickolaypse Now!
May. 21st, 2011 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalonAs of this writing it's only a few hours before we hit Rapture O'Clock (EST). That's when, according to Golden Age JC Continuity, the Lord IHVH (aka Omega Dad) teleports ye faithful, alien abductee style, to "Come live the good life on the off world colonies." That or the chosen will rise up like glorious Jesus Seeking Missiles and rocket into a bright hovering silver light, leaving us heathens earthbound and slack jawed at some serious mysterious ways shit.
Apparently being plucked up for the Rapture is sort of like snorting Skittles flavored cocaine off a unicorn's horn while an angel finger bangs you from behind on a rainbow slide.
Now having already survived several of the prophesies of Nostradamus, the Harmonic Convergence, X-Day and The Day After Tomorrow, you'll have to forgive me if I come off as a little skeptical.
At this point I've gone through a month of doomsdays already and I've been stood up once too many times for my blind date with the Apocalypse.
Now, when and if, the Rapture goes down... I want to it go down like a Jack Chick comic. I want to be a member of "The Last Generation!"
Okay, first off, let's get this party started right... with a Pagan One World Government outlawing the worship of Jesus the Christ.
"And you don't even want to know what we're going to do with the Scientologists..."
Presumably the World Court then goes on to make AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" the World's National Anthem, announced that every day was, now indeed, Halloween and issued mandatory gay marriage for all citizens in the former southern United States... just to piss them off. It wasn't long until war is subsequently abolished in a puff of reason, with ensuing global levels of poverty and famine plummeting even as literacy rates soared. Everybody starts getting laid and eating pork-chops with impunity. Right on, World Court.
Best of all, DJs from your local Darkwave/Fetish night start appearing in classrooms to drop some knowledge...
"We will treat their sickness... with the power of Wolfsheim!"
Having been properly indoctrinated into an alternative lifestyle at school, these kids, who bear a creepy resemblance to Genesis P-Orridge for some reason, will soon go all 'Children of the Damned' on their Christian Breeders.
"Whoah... sounds like somebody's kid needs a time-out, a Ritalin and a slap... in that order."
That or folks will start turning in the Faithful for Drugs, which becomes the global currency shortly after the World Court elects Ozzy Osbourne as President Emperor.
"Ah, fuck it! Let's just Waco the bastards!"
The Jesus Freaks are then subsequently rounded up and placed into massive test tubes, where they have tiny MP3 players implanted in their brain, playing Industrial Noisecore remixes 24-7, until they either crack or become 'Soylent Green' for the heathen masses.
"Soylent Green is Christians? Then, I've, I've... I've betrayed my pagan instilled vegan lifestyle... Nooooooooooooo!"
Then, just when you think things couldn't get any better. Bang! The Rapture hits... and the last few stragglers bamf off the earth leaving only their clothes behind. Because when God calls you home to the fold, he apparently wants you in your birthday suit.
"So long... and thanks for all the cash!"
So there you go. The Christians get to go to a place that's a cross between a country club and Disney World - where everybody's white and having a good time. Meanwhile, the Heathens get to live out their wildest Burning Man dreams and indulge in drug-fueled orgies in the streets that end in one big international hug for Satan. Everybody wins.
So yeah, count me in for the "Last Generation!"
Apparently being plucked up for the Rapture is sort of like snorting Skittles flavored cocaine off a unicorn's horn while an angel finger bangs you from behind on a rainbow slide.
Now having already survived several of the prophesies of Nostradamus, the Harmonic Convergence, X-Day and The Day After Tomorrow, you'll have to forgive me if I come off as a little skeptical.
At this point I've gone through a month of doomsdays already and I've been stood up once too many times for my blind date with the Apocalypse.
Now, when and if, the Rapture goes down... I want to it go down like a Jack Chick comic. I want to be a member of "The Last Generation!"
Okay, first off, let's get this party started right... with a Pagan One World Government outlawing the worship of Jesus the Christ.
"And you don't even want to know what we're going to do with the Scientologists..."
Presumably the World Court then goes on to make AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" the World's National Anthem, announced that every day was, now indeed, Halloween and issued mandatory gay marriage for all citizens in the former southern United States... just to piss them off. It wasn't long until war is subsequently abolished in a puff of reason, with ensuing global levels of poverty and famine plummeting even as literacy rates soared. Everybody starts getting laid and eating pork-chops with impunity. Right on, World Court.
Best of all, DJs from your local Darkwave/Fetish night start appearing in classrooms to drop some knowledge...
"We will treat their sickness... with the power of Wolfsheim!"
Having been properly indoctrinated into an alternative lifestyle at school, these kids, who bear a creepy resemblance to Genesis P-Orridge for some reason, will soon go all 'Children of the Damned' on their Christian Breeders.
"Whoah... sounds like somebody's kid needs a time-out, a Ritalin and a slap... in that order."
That or folks will start turning in the Faithful for Drugs, which becomes the global currency shortly after the World Court elects Ozzy Osbourne as President Emperor.
"Ah, fuck it! Let's just Waco the bastards!"
The Jesus Freaks are then subsequently rounded up and placed into massive test tubes, where they have tiny MP3 players implanted in their brain, playing Industrial Noisecore remixes 24-7, until they either crack or become 'Soylent Green' for the heathen masses.
"Soylent Green is Christians? Then, I've, I've... I've betrayed my pagan instilled vegan lifestyle... Nooooooooooooo!"
Then, just when you think things couldn't get any better. Bang! The Rapture hits... and the last few stragglers bamf off the earth leaving only their clothes behind. Because when God calls you home to the fold, he apparently wants you in your birthday suit.
"So long... and thanks for all the cash!"
So there you go. The Christians get to go to a place that's a cross between a country club and Disney World - where everybody's white and having a good time. Meanwhile, the Heathens get to live out their wildest Burning Man dreams and indulge in drug-fueled orgies in the streets that end in one big international hug for Satan. Everybody wins.
So yeah, count me in for the "Last Generation!"