Jack Babalon's Big List of Writing Tips
Feb. 17th, 2012 03:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jack_babalonEven before I began the novel in earnest, back when I was struggling to make the blog sing, I would often get sincere e-mails from friends, each with a link to a page with tips from famous writers on the subject of writing. I got Jack Kerouac's 'Belief & Technique for Modern Prose', Elmore Leonard's list of 10 rules for writing, hell I even got William Safire's own Decalogue of holy commandants from a crush on Myspace once. Along with this I was led down a red thread labyrinth of no end of quotes, quips and tips from a cemetery's worth of dead authors. Now oddly enough, while I've never minded being corrected on my grammar from a reader (so long as they were also willing to judge the story itself) I always met these links to advice on writing with a deep sigh behind the keyboard. Clicking the link with rolled eyes and dutifully reading each and every piece of advice offered.
And when I was done... I would forget the whole thing and go back to whatever it was I was working on. Except for the Kerouac one - which I had already burnt into memory ages ago - back when I discovered girls, punks and beatniks in one glorious autumn. But for the most part, I always read these sage words of wisdom from the masters of my chosen field with the belief that everything they were saying was absolutely 100% true... for them.
The words of advice I've always applied when writing is this: "Wake up, sucker! We're thieves and we're bad guys. That's exactly what we are. We gotta find our own way." That's from the '78 version of 'Dawn of the Dead'. We all steal, if not by word outright then by influence at least. We're all bad guys, because there is nothing so horrible in this world, nothing so tragic, so heart breaking, so gut wrenchingly painful that we won't dress the experience up in our finest art and pimp it out on the first page we can find. But mainly, mainly we gotta find our own way! Not one person who ever wrote one of those famous lists got to be where they were by reading another author's list. Now I know this goes against the 'we all steal rule', granted, but keep in mind we don't just pawn off our goods on the first set of eyes we cross. No, we frame our stolen goods anew within the context of our own voice, we place it in a different light to shift around its shadows and each wallet we pick off our beloved influences will eventually reveal our names on the purloined licenses within... or at least the good ones will. Otherwise they'll stitch you up in a plagiarist jacket and then you'll be lucky if you can get your status update read by some random teenager in Iowa.
But you know what? Fuck it. I wanna play too. So, despite that very long preamble you most likely skimmed, here's a few rules on writing I've picked up on over the years. Burn after reading... even it means dousing your screen in gasoline and setting fire to your mouse.
1. It's okay to open a book with the weather so long as your protagonist is a meteorologist or a student of meteorology. However, this protagonist must be revealed to be a murderous kumquat by story's end, even if your story does not involve a murder, or any crime for that matter, whatsoever. When I read a book that opens with an ominous storm cloud on the horizon or the sunlight dappled across the waves, I know the story's either going to suck balls or involve a homicidal meteorologist.
2. Whenever you're entering a creative writing contest and you're running over the word limit - remember that contractions are your friend.
3. Conversely, when writing a novel and you're running a little light on the pages, season the sentences liberally with copious amounts of the word 'that'. Also break those contractions up like a doomed marriage.
4. If it's taken you longer than five minutes to write your status update then you're trying to fucking hard.
5. In all of human history, there has never been a story written that cannot be re-written to include a sex scene and/or zombies. Nothing.
6. Whenever you go out to a bar or diner to scribble poems all alone on a napkin always try to keep your back to the television and your face towards the front door.
7. Learn to be really, really good in bed. Love will often forgive a bad musician, but few are the hearts willing to put up with even the best of scribes for long.
8. If you want to write well then you have to have the endurance for when you can't. I've known too many voices that gave up too soon because they couldn't scratch the gold out on their lottery-ticket keyboards. No one's ever learned to fight off a single punch, no one's ever learned to fuck from a single wo/man. What makes you think the word will be any different?
9. Don't ask what people think unless you're willing to hear just that. In fact, don't ask at all. They'll tell you eventually, one way or another and yes, indifferent silence is an answer.
10. Stop reading lists about writing and write already.
And when I was done... I would forget the whole thing and go back to whatever it was I was working on. Except for the Kerouac one - which I had already burnt into memory ages ago - back when I discovered girls, punks and beatniks in one glorious autumn. But for the most part, I always read these sage words of wisdom from the masters of my chosen field with the belief that everything they were saying was absolutely 100% true... for them.
The words of advice I've always applied when writing is this: "Wake up, sucker! We're thieves and we're bad guys. That's exactly what we are. We gotta find our own way." That's from the '78 version of 'Dawn of the Dead'. We all steal, if not by word outright then by influence at least. We're all bad guys, because there is nothing so horrible in this world, nothing so tragic, so heart breaking, so gut wrenchingly painful that we won't dress the experience up in our finest art and pimp it out on the first page we can find. But mainly, mainly we gotta find our own way! Not one person who ever wrote one of those famous lists got to be where they were by reading another author's list. Now I know this goes against the 'we all steal rule', granted, but keep in mind we don't just pawn off our goods on the first set of eyes we cross. No, we frame our stolen goods anew within the context of our own voice, we place it in a different light to shift around its shadows and each wallet we pick off our beloved influences will eventually reveal our names on the purloined licenses within... or at least the good ones will. Otherwise they'll stitch you up in a plagiarist jacket and then you'll be lucky if you can get your status update read by some random teenager in Iowa.
But you know what? Fuck it. I wanna play too. So, despite that very long preamble you most likely skimmed, here's a few rules on writing I've picked up on over the years. Burn after reading... even it means dousing your screen in gasoline and setting fire to your mouse.
1. It's okay to open a book with the weather so long as your protagonist is a meteorologist or a student of meteorology. However, this protagonist must be revealed to be a murderous kumquat by story's end, even if your story does not involve a murder, or any crime for that matter, whatsoever. When I read a book that opens with an ominous storm cloud on the horizon or the sunlight dappled across the waves, I know the story's either going to suck balls or involve a homicidal meteorologist.
2. Whenever you're entering a creative writing contest and you're running over the word limit - remember that contractions are your friend.
3. Conversely, when writing a novel and you're running a little light on the pages, season the sentences liberally with copious amounts of the word 'that'. Also break those contractions up like a doomed marriage.
4. If it's taken you longer than five minutes to write your status update then you're trying to fucking hard.
5. In all of human history, there has never been a story written that cannot be re-written to include a sex scene and/or zombies. Nothing.
6. Whenever you go out to a bar or diner to scribble poems all alone on a napkin always try to keep your back to the television and your face towards the front door.
7. Learn to be really, really good in bed. Love will often forgive a bad musician, but few are the hearts willing to put up with even the best of scribes for long.
8. If you want to write well then you have to have the endurance for when you can't. I've known too many voices that gave up too soon because they couldn't scratch the gold out on their lottery-ticket keyboards. No one's ever learned to fight off a single punch, no one's ever learned to fuck from a single wo/man. What makes you think the word will be any different?
9. Don't ask what people think unless you're willing to hear just that. In fact, don't ask at all. They'll tell you eventually, one way or another and yes, indifferent silence is an answer.
10. Stop reading lists about writing and write already.